I am on my second cup of coffee and still tired. :P

Hiiiii

Mentally I had an extremely bad week, I was really unfocused and slow at work. I am not sure what is going on with me lately, but it sucks.

I opened up to one of my co-workers at work on how I have been going through a rough time this week with being extra sluggish and think I am experiencing autistic burn out or shut down. Later he made a joke about it too. I was not impressed, in fact it pissed me off. I open up to you and then you make jokes about it when I was already feeling really insecure, pissed off etc. Get fucked. It was a great reminded why I don’t discuss my problems with most people.

This is pretty much how I feel this week about my insecurities or tunes I have been listening to a lot lately. ❤

I went to work for every scheduled shift though, and have for almost like a year now in exception of one call off. I am pretty proud of myself and have been using no excuses for not going to work be it through burn outs, mental fogginess etc.

I think now I am starting to understand why the older generation gets so frustrated with the younger kids who are spoiled rotten, catered to and don’t know what a real job is. I see it now because we have some 19 year olds on my shift now and even though they should probably have the best attendance and out working the older people on the team, they instead are the hugest wimps. Incredibly selfish too. Of course there are always exceptions, like this one kid on my shift who is 21, he is an awesome worker and a really good guy. I am also pretty positive he is on the spectrum, just never has seen a specialist about it, but he reminds me of myself sometimes. 🙂 We have built this friendship over months of working together, which is nice as I am normally a loner. We still are loners, but you know what I mean. 🙂

I am probably going to regret this since I have been so mentally out of it lately, but I always seem to go above and beyond for my job so it’s whatevers. We had last minute dilema where my team leader didn’t even get an email about. Sunday afternoon my husband calls me as he was on a closing shift and says third shift didn’t get a truck due to the warehouse doing some kind of conveyor maintenance. Well it is my team’s job to work the trucks overnight and we normally get a truck on Sundays. Why wasn’t we made aware? We chalked it up to lack of communication, which is something that is nothing new as my team is always kept out of the loop. I ended up getting hold of one of my managers and offered to switch my shifts. So I was off this last Sunday and I am off tonight, but work Tuesday instead to cover a staffing shortage we already have even when we get a truck on Sundays. I can’t imagine how big the truck is going to be tonight, as it is naturally bigger every Tuesday. It means whenever our trucks go back to a normal schedule I will work six days in a row without working a sixth day technically, since when my schedule goes back to normal which I am hoping will be next week I am off Mondays and Tuesdays. So yes, a person who depends on their routine like it is my life line, said fuck my routine. 😛

Now why I do this to my mental health and self I have no idea why. I guess it just feels good to be depended on. 🙂 It felt nice when my team leader said thank you and it was a great idea to change my shifts. He shared ‘way to step up and deal with this last minute disaster.’

Oh well, being mentally burned out before the holidays is awesome…not. Oh well we are getting two new hires, think they will start later this week or early next week. Oh I can finally briefly mention this or maybe not…either way I don’t care. There was a coworker who used to work at our store, she went to a different store for a bit, but came back. She was causing a bunch of drama on our shift and it was some bull shit. Another female coworker actually went to a different department because of it or that was a lot of the reason why she did. Our managers were even sick of it. Well she left to a different job. 🙂 Good riddance! So hopefully it will get better and I do plan on taking a few vacation days before the holidays start.

Since Sunday I have been taking some much needed down time along with intermediate naps, but finally got almost 8 hours of sleep last night and woke up around 2 am. So I am still kinda on my night work schedule so I won’t be so tired when I go back to work Tuesday night. It was nice, I needed a full night’s sleep. I feel a bit better, but I still don’t want to go back to work. Aha.

❤

Why can’t I just lie in bed all day and have my life pause for one fucking minute? xD

Hello all my followers and readers again!

Now if my cat can stop being a needy little shit for more than 5 minutes I might be able to share this update post. I have been finding it extremely difficult to concentrate even at the best of times lately so he is really not helping. XD At least you guys can enjoy a picture I took of my little fur babies last week.

My ginger boy on the right is the one being a poop. Aha

Anywhooo…I just woke up and made a fresh pot of coffee.

This is one of my favorite coffee mugs I bought sometime ago. I wish I could just nap and chill like all the time. Adulting can suck it. xD Btw sorry for the bad lighting and it is a bit blurry. PS: Sloths are the best. ❤

My husband and I have been working a shit ton of hours and even though I have only been back from vacation for a few weeks I am already mentally and physically over it again. Currently my shift is losing a few people with no one being replaced…at least yet and one of our team leaders on days is out indefinitely has made work a living hell again for both of us. My husband is temporarily in charge of all of grocery days, covering both the morning and afternoon shifts and is on a 14 day stretch that started last Friday. Just after he got sick which I am pretty sure was from being over worked and burned out. So yes he probably will get sick again or his body may shut down again at some point or another. He may get one day off this week, but we will see as he was told to wait until after Wednesday since this new system is rolling in for one of our grocery shifts and he has been having to over see it all since their manager is off for at least another week. I have been getting my normal two days off, but my shifts have been extremely long with one person still being on vacation and the people we have lost without being replaced fast enough. Unless they hire people soon it looks like it is only going to get worse because with this new system rolling in for grocery though it is not necessarely changing anything about my shift, it does pile on more work for us to do to support the other shifts on days. It is so fucking stupid….it is basically going back to the old ways of how 3^rd shift (my shift) use to be, except back then they had a lot more people. I am doubting they have the labor hours to hire that many people for my shift and we will just be lucky to have the people who left replaced. I also have a bad feeling that with this added work load more people may look elsewhere for a job as they are already over it with the way things are right now.

Btw…I tried talking to one of my managers about wanting to leave my department and he said we have lost too many people to let me go to a different department right now. I am kinda pissed because by the time they finally hire people these opportunities in other departments may not be there anymore and if I am going to tough out 3^rd shift again through all this bull shit I might as well just stay, especially if we get more people. The problem is though I am getting so bored with this shift. Like sure it is one of the more busier and physical shifts, but it is literally the same shit everyday. I am literally working the graveyard shift and killing myself for the same amount of money I can now make on days because I have been with the company so long I am capped out in all departments etc. I dunno…I guess I can decide again when we get more people since for now it looks like I am stuck unless I want to leave the company all together which I’d rather not right now.

I talked about we were going to be losing our lines leader/one of our managers in my last post due to changes etc unless he took a pay cut and stayed, well I have good news. At least for right now he decided to take the pay cut and will step down in September and be our first assistant. However it may not be permanent as he said if a job opportunity arises for more money he would still consider leaving the company altogether, but for right now his decision has been made to remain with us. It means other changes for the store or stores such as our current first assistant is going to a different department, but I am just happy it worked itself out. Everyone wanted him to stay as our team’s success always came from him. So yes I am happy for the time being. 🙂

Between my husbands and I weird schedules, working a million hours and other bull shit my mental health is yet again going in the drain just after feeling better from my vacation. I am trying to keep the house in order as my husband has been barely home and it is leaving me with little down time. I was lucky enough to sit down and share this post before I do a bunch of chores on my day off. I have noticed my memory is horrible again, I am blanking out in the middle of conversations and I am losing my basic functionalities and my sanity. I have been easily irritated at work and yeah it just blows. I am not really sure what to do about it either other than try to make more time for myself, continuing sticking to what little routine I still have and maybe put a couple paid days in again at work. I am just trying really hard not to burn the rest of my vacation time as I think I only have 5 days left of paid time until my time resets again in March of next year.

So I apologize in advance if you don’t hear much from me again, I will try to pop on here still to read your posts, like and comment etc and maybe share some posts about my mental health may help, but I can’t make any promises as it has been extremely hard again to keep my concentration on anything, especially writing. I would rather not share a bunch of posts that don’t make sense and save it for quality posts. 😛 I am not going on another hiatus or anything…I just may not be as consistent as I would like to be and it makes me sad.

Well I am off for now, gonna drink the rest of my coffee, eat some breakfast and get started on my chores so I can enjoy some down time later before the hubby gets off work. At least the one good thing about doing chores and work is it always feels good after you are done. It does help me feel accomplished and regardless of how zombie like I may feel sometimes it keeps the depression monster away. It’s weird how it seems no matter what I cannot win over all my diagnoses ever, but I can keep some of them at bay, but still constantly battling them. I will leave you with a random ass picture of most of the laundry I finally folded a week or so ago that sat in my closet for who knows how long. Guess what? I have to fold more laundry today, but least it is something I can do while watching my show and hanging out with my kitty cats. 🙂

This was not all of it, but a good majority of it. Lol

So this circled on social media recently and don’t get me wrong I love Gordon Ramsay as much as anyone, yes even as a vegan. Like you can’t deny the man can cook a boss ass meal and rage like a mofo. However mocking baby animals or animals of any kind is taking it a bit too far. What kind of fucking culture do we live in when it is okay to make jokes about a living thing that we literally see as just food? Oh yes that’s right ‘the tiktok culture’ where we will do anything for 5 seconds of attention. I really hate today’s society. Sorry, not sorry for not being amused by putting a baby lamb in an oven. Now come here little Gordom Ramsay let’s slice your throat and put you in the oven. AHAHA I AM SO FUNNY RIGHT? No. >.>

This is borderline insanity…You may not see it like that, but just imagine some creep making jokes before they rape their victim, murder etc. Animals are no fucking different and deserve more respect than this. Like that…Rather I agree with your choice to eat meat or not, I think it is taking it to a whole other level and it is not something to joke about. Or maybe it is just me who doesn’t see the humor in it?

‘I don’t wanna talk about it,

just let it go,

the devil inside of me,

he’s taking on control

…

I’m fine’

❤

This band has been my latest obsession. Their main singer is gorgeous in every way tbh. <3

Vacation bitches! (update)

Hello all my followers and readers! (If I have any left tbh)

I am not dead, obviously.

I was actually going to play the sims and delay this blog post even longer because I honestly don’t know where to begin my update post with or how I want to go about it…BUT I need to stop procrastinating and I have missed writing not just on my blog, but in general. It wouldn’t make sense to just share some random ass blog without any explanation to why my blog was on a long ass hiatus or where the fuck I have been kinda vibes. Speaking of procrastinating I think I am going to fold all the clean laundry in our laundry baskets that have been sitting in our bedroom closet for at least two weeks either later today or tomorrow. Hopefully today. Lol.

Btw…I am on a 9 day vacation, but only 4 days left. 😦 It’s going to be super weird going back and I am going to miss my fur babies, my bed, xbox and sanity. I have done absolutely nothing for my vacation and it is everything my mental health needed. Sure we did some much needed deep cleaning, spent time with the hubby and tons of time with the cats, but I have been mainly taking tons of down time with games, music, shows and my bed.

Nothing, but a lot has happened recently. Unfortunately it is mostly work related and work is boring. Not only it is boring, but I can only really talk about work in a more general way because companies get butt hurt and all that. Which makes it even more boring, but if you choose to follow me you follow all my posts even the boring ass ones or parts at least. My apologies and you can choose to skim through it, I won’t be offended. Hehe.

So this is something that is incredibly boring really and something that was rather over do, but I procrastinated (oops) in sharing it or maybe I did share it and my memory is shittier than I thought. Either way, I forced full time with the company I work for. Nothing has changed as I already worked full time hours, same schedule etc, but I have my own/better benefits, more paid time off and plants my feet somewhere for now if I choose to stay with the company.

I have been wanting to share this with you guys for months now, ever since we knew the change was going to happen, but couldn’t because of privacy rights and confidentially what not bs. Not so much forn what it means for our future with the company, but more so what it means for my husband and I’s personal future. My husband got into leadership with the business we work for. He has graduated all the training and got the leadership role he bid on. It was a crazy month or so of him not sleeping, and us hardly seeing each other, but it is finally done. There may be still some tweaks to sort out the conflict of interest odeal with us being married, but we knew what entailed going into it and people have been really supportive of both our roles. Our director in charge promised us he would work with us and it will not stop my husband from going into leadership. Other than my husband getting what he has wanted to do for awhile, guaranteeing a career with the company and future thoughts of wanting to move up, with the new terms of his contract this means we will be able to look into getting a house next year. We were already catching up again after moving (OH YEAH…We moved, but just to a different apartment a couple months ago, it is not a big deal or really a long story. It was just cheaper, had two bedrooms, more space etc so the move made sense as our lease was about to end. Lol) and slowly beginning to save again, with this boost I have no doubts we can be in a house next year and making plans for our future. So even though him going into leadership may not be uber exciting news other than for him and I, at the very least you can be excited for us personally. It has been life changing, even though it may not seem like it.

When work, your life is going great and you are excited for your over-due 9 day vacation, corporations have to throw a big fuck you in your face. I’m not entirely sure if I can talk about this, but it is company wide so I really don’t think it is confidential, and even if it is I am going to break code with my honest opinion about this one and I don’t give two fucks. So company wide each store had three product flow leaders (the graveyard/my shift) before and after our stores were 24 hours. After seeing that stores had lost profit instead of gaining profit after trying to go back to 24 hours after the pandemic began they decided to eliminate the lines leader (main leader kinda?) position in all, but two stores which are going to remain 24 hours. They basically saw no reason to pay an extra leader in a closed store when a lead on each side/2 leads can run a closed store. Basically corporate isn’t making enough money and need to make more money while all these people in those roles lose their jobs. They have options, but unless they rarely get another lines leader position (which most are already filled and everyone in those positions will be looking for one) it either includes a big pay cut or to leave the company all together. I am sorry, but do you honestly not give a fuck about all those managers futures you just ruined? I expect it yes in our society, but is still pretty damn heartless. Unfortunetly for me it means if my lines leader doesn’t choose to take the pay cut and remain on product flow on my shift (Btw..I do not expect him too) I will lose my favorite manager I have EVER worked for. The shitter thing is there is nothing anyone or anything can do about it. He is our director’s in charge favorite manager or one of them and he just has to accept he may lose that entirely. It doesn’t matter how much success he has had in our store or his seniority. I dunno..I am and just everyone is gutted over it. I am beyond pissed about it and I am so upset for him. I just hope it works out and he chooses what is best for him out of the shitty options that are left. Nothing is official or anything, but I am currently looking into options and on the fence about remaining on 3^rd shift if he decides to leave. Why? I can’t talk about it and it blows.

I recently started a diary a week or a couple weeks ago? I wrote my first entry and haven’t finished it or wrote in it since. It is as empty as my blog. Aha. Why? My brain has been so broken that as much as I know writing actually does help, I have just been struggling with everything in my life lately. Not because I am depressed, given up or anything remotely like that. My life has been just more chaotic than normal with work, my husband’s change in routine changed both of ours for some time and I have been just surviving, barely. I think trying to keep yet another diary will be good for me so I can vent about things I can’t share here or thoughts that would scare you away. ;o At the very least I thought it would help me get back into the routine of writing, and help me with my hand writing as it has become almost unreadable.

I am recently addicted to the game house flipper which also contributed to this post being delayed. xD

I think that is all that I had to share…hopefully. I was going to talk more about my mental health, but honestly I am feeling much better, refreshed and have more energy than I had in a long time. I just needed this vacation really. 😛

So anyways….I AM BACK BITCHES. 🙂

Oh btw…what had stopped a lot of my blogging including this post is my perfectionism, but I have decided to remind myself to say fuck all that and post whenever I feel like posting and post whatever I feel like posting.

I turned on my laptop for the first time really in a long time and the first thing I did was catch up on some of my favorite youtubers. (…and no I don’t use my phone for most things like watching videos. Weird, huh? I am so old school or more like habit about some things.)

Here is one… This video reminded me of my two kitties when we first rescued them. ❤

I fucking love her btw and yes I am months behind on youtube along with many other things in my life. 😛

‘She’s Will Smith in her sleep’

Bring on the Will Smith jokes. xD

‘Cause it’s the end and I am not afraid to die’

❤

I recently got back into these guys again, this song specifically has been on my motivational/pumped playlist at work. the lead singer’s voice really shines in this song too. Gorgeous!<3

My Current Mental Health Obsession!

If you can’t tell, I have been in a very distant and bad state, but music has been pulling me through. ❤

‘I tried it once before, and I think I might have messed up
I struggled with the veins, and I guess I didn’t bleed enough
But maybe I’m alive ’cause I didn’t really wanna die
But nothing very special ever happens in my life’

This song hits my mental health/autism so hard. <3

❤

I can’t feel anything, so lost and I can’t be saved <3