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Since this is not just a blog, but my space to share creative things or anything I want tbh…

Random fact of the day: You can tell I haven’t been listening to much music on my computer via Youtube when I refresh the homepage and most results consist of The Sims or other weird things I watch on youtube. xD In fact, the only music appearing on my youtube homepage currently is free uncopyrighted music, probably from when I was searching for music for a current Sims 4 speed build video I put together this week…which brings us to this post. xD

Soooo….this is not anything blog, writing or wordpress related, but I like to think of my blog as more than just my space to share my writings or what have you. Instead I would like to hope that this can be my personal space on the internet to share anything creative or whatever the eff I feel like tbh because it is MY space. (HEHE remember Myspace anyone?!) At the very least it is something creative so it kinda is relatable right?

As most of you already know, I am a huge Sim geek and play the Sims almost on a daily basis. Some of you may also recall me discussing wanting to dive into the world of streaming or making my own youtube videos for the heck of it in my free time. Well I haven’t streamed in awhile, but I did manage to produce, edit (To the best of my ability with the lack of equipment I have currently…oh and also being super impatient) and share/upload my first video to youtube. It is obviously related to The Sims and is a Sims 4 speed build. The quality is kinda meh because of my lack of equipment, some lack of computer nerdiness/knowledge and I really wanted to see if it would upload or work before I spend anymore time than the 5 hours or so I already put into this in random spurts this week in my down time. Besides it was more kind of a test or a trial before I plan on uploading more videos or to see if I want to so I can forgive myself for the semi blurry/kinda crap quality this once. If anyone is interested in checking it out you can by simply clicking and following this link as it is just like watching any youtube video. 😛

Also secrets out given my youtube channel name I am sure now all of you know my real name is Jamie. 😛 No more being completely anonymous. Damn! I couldn’t resist with just how perfectly this name rhymes and I thought it was pretty creative. To my surprise it doesn’t seem to already exist as an account on just about anything that I have seen so far. Maybe it is a lot more cheesier than I thought. None the less I hope you enjoy it even if you are not a Sim fan.

I also have uploaded this house to The Sims Resource and they shared it today (had to wait a couple days after having it approved to the site) You can also check out my other builds I have made thus far if you are interested in that sorta thing.

https://www.thesimsresource.com/downloads/details/category/sims4-lots-residential/title/blue-dream-%28family-home%29/id/1463849/

This speed build video was more for fun than anything else and like I said a trial. I will probably share more things in the future on youtube etc but need to work on getting better quality for my recordings.

Btw….Mini update again

You know how I said I was feeling less anxious at work and blah blah blah? Well even though I am and this is by no means defeating or even a bad thing as I am so use to it, but even in the best of times I will never truly escape or not have anxiety. I have been having a great few weeks on nights, but I had a horrible night. It didn’t help that we fell behind for other reasons which only added to my anxiety, but yeah I had horrible anxiety and difficulty functioning for the first couple hours or so at work last night. It’s kinda hard to explain but had this anxious knot in my stomach since I woke up, was being super OCD, felt really off and trying to fight through it and still keep a steady pace pallets fell over on me, cases broke open when I was spotting the first aisle I worked (luckily it was just paper towel, paper plates etc/unbreakable crap) However, not once did I want to give up and go home. I managed to stick it out, fight through it and eventually felt better. I sped up and made up for as much loss time as I could. Haha. I think it could be for a few reasons..it does tend to happen when I over work myself and I also haven’t been sleeping the best this week. Not because I am having troubles sleeping, but because I have been going to bed too late and telling myself I will sleep more the next day only to repeat the same mistake of staying up for the last few days. Haha. So yeah guys I’m okay, just anxiety is something that will always be apart of my life and I am just glad I fought through it. Like I shared before there is a huge difference of what you are willing to fight through when you enjoy your job.

Ohhh I ran into the store director as he was coming in this morning and I was leaving. He told me my main/big manager told him I am rocking it on nights and I am a great addition to the team. That he is really happy to have me on his team. This made my day 🙂

More tunage…

Music can always save me from anything. When I was being an anxious wreck at work tonight I put on this song and just took a few deep breaths. I slowly started to feel better.

Go your way, I’ll take the long way ’round, I’ll find my own way down, As I should, And hold your gaze, There’s coke in the Midas touch, A joke in the way that we rust, And breathe again

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‘The monster inside my head is ruthless…’ Life Update and stuffs (unedited)

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

This is going to be another stereotypical and hopefully not too boring update post type of thing. It won’t hurt my feelings if you breeze through this post or not read it at all, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Haha. xD

Work is always boring, right? So let’s get that o’deal out of the way first. As some of you may already know some of the frustrations I was having with my job and some of you may also know I switched to night shift as of three weeks ago as I mentioned it in a very brief post a few days back or more…I am very relieved to report that I am much happier with my life, routine and work since I have switched to nights. Yes the schedule of 10 pm – 6:30 am is not the most appealing schedule to and doing the same thing pretty much every night may get boring for most peoples, but not for me. Between the social anxiety with customers, the team work and the insane amount of responsibility of my job duties on days I am surprised I lasted over a year doing it. There are a lot more reasons why I made the switch and why I’m a lot happier now than before, but I either can’t discuss it publicly or it is too dramatic to worry about. LOL. Let’s just say doing Grocery Inventory (my last week on days) was the last strike for me. I think part of the reason why I was so calm during inventory regardless of all the bull shit was because I knew that same week (literally after inventory) I was going to nights. Basically what happened was the person I was replacing on nights went back to days that Sunday meaning they were short handed on nights, but Inventory was on a Tuesday of that week and with my experience they couldn’t let me just ditch and go to nights until inventory was done. I did a ton of over time on days because of inventory had two days off (most employees get three days off when switching shifts especially that kind of a change in schedule) but they needed me to start ASAP. The night shift basically works the truck or trucks we get in everyday except for one day a week tbh, well after the replenishment from inventory we were getting massive trucks. So I went from doing 10-12 hour shifts on days to doing similar shifts on night the same week. It was an exhausting and long week to say the least, but once I was on nights I didn’t complain once and was happy to voluntarily stay over as long as needed. Yes it kinda sucks that my clock is entirely upside down going in when everyone else is going to bed or already fast asleep in dream land, but I have always been a night owl anyways. It honestly took me like not even a week to get use to this new schedule and I am not nearly as exhausted than when I was working days physically and mentally. Which is kinda funny because stocking the truck load is much faster paced and more physically demanding than what I was doing on days. It is like being a little more sore and getting more energy out of myself is worth it to not put up with the bull shit I was on days. It is also two tasks every night…stock and then condition (pull everything to the front on the shelves) for the most part. A lot of people complain how boring conditioning is, but I actually like it. It is a nice break at the end of the night before going home and I can just rock out to my tunes. What can I say? I am a pretty boring and basic person. I like knowing what to expect, same plan and makes it so I can work independently for the most part. The management on nights is the best management I have had in all my experience in retail and everyone is not only held to the same standard, but are much more friendlier and all work hard. My entire team wants to get the job done to the best of our ability, have the same drive and passion for the most part. My team now kicks some serious ass! Not to mention nights are much more quieter than it is on days and has done wonders for my anxiety. I rarely get anxiety since I have started working this shift. It is a lot more independent in ways too, even though we work as a team and are organized we still like do our own thing. I can also listen to my music which really helps me therapeutically, helps keep me awake and even motivates me to work harder. I have just been one of those people that works better when listening to music and I can finally use that to my advantage. I think even without any of the frustrations on days I am just generally happier on nights because the kind of person I am. Also with the demand and need to get through trucks etc….I have opportunity to seek full time. I also went from having no sonority in a department where anyone could bump me at any given time or not get hours because my lack of sonority to having one of the highest sonority on nights. I went from 10 hours to 40 plus hours a week and a set schedule which is really important for a routine person like myself and helps me tremendously. As long as I have a set routine I keep my sanity and will work as many hours as needed or as I want. I know it’s just a job, but people actually spend the majority of their time either at work or sleeping, besides vacations and a couple days off work does consume a lot of your life rather people want to admit that or not and I think it’s very important to be somewhat happy with your job. I am in a much better mood in and outside of work now, even my husband and people around me has shared this with me. It may not be a career choice and no I may not stay with this job or at that company forever, but for right now it pays the bills and is making me content.

Even in the best of times and the whole work situation working out for me we got struck by some bad luck as my husband had a really bad abscess/infection from one of his molars. Last week he booked a dentist appointment after complaining about pain in his jaw and even neck. Turns out he ignored an infection for probably a bit too long being the typical stubborn male he is and got a horrendous abscess. Luckily most of our insurance covered the procedure, but the procedure was pretty brutal since after they had to give him a few shots as it was one of his bottom molars (it is easier to numb the upper jaw than it is the bottom for you lucky few that have yet to have tooth problems) cut into his gum and pulled the tooth, they also had to scrape and suck out as much of the infection as they could. Then the surgeon was like since you are probably tired of being on antibiotics for a coople weeks why not have another round cause you know what’s one more week of pills that make you feel nauseous and drowsy. I am happy to report he is in recovery, but has been sleeping a lot as his body can now truly rest as it hasn’t been able to considering it has been fighting a massive infection for weeks, still swollen and in a bit of discomfort. Hoping he will feel better in a few more days so he can stop acting like a baby (you know men when they get sick it is like they are dying. Am I right?!) and he can go back to caring for himself as I have been taking very good care of him, doing most of the chores etc. I’m kidding! I truly want him to feel better soon as I feel really bad for him.

Other than that not much is entirely new in my everyday life. Been eating a lot better and managing my down time more outside of work as I want to be 100% every night I go in and am working on my attendance as it was kind of bad on days for a bit there. However…being happier at work I think will play a huge factor as I am much more willing to fight through stuff like anxiety when I actually like my job. xD Since I have been taking better care of myself I feel much better physically and especially mentally.

My tunes of the week (most come from tunes I listen to quite a bit at work haha)

As much as I have built a life for myself here in the states I am really home sick and hoping to plan a trip to see famiy next summer. My parents I think will be visiting again early next year, but I haven’t seen relatives for a few years and it has been way too long since I have seen my brother and place where I basically grew up.

Been a lot of hard days and
Been a lot of long nights and
Even though I love the road
I’m missing home somehow

One of my latest tunes on my personal autism playlist

I have been OBSESSED with this song the past few nights

This song gets me super pumped at work

This man’s music will keep me going all night at work. Actually gets me hyper HAHA

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather ’round
That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about
That means I might take a normal thought and think it’s so profound (leave me alone)
Ruminating, fill balloons up full of doubt
Do the same things, if I don’t, I’m overwhelmed
Thoughts are pacing, they go ’round and ’round and ’round’ <—- SO ME

Also my life xD

I am obsessed with this song still and I do sing it at work. I have like my own personal karaoke going on in my aisles LOLLL

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This song reminds me of Columbine, but also….

Long story I switched to night shift/3rd shift at work for many reasons some I can discuss some I can’t, but it’s a story for another time. 🙂 Sooo over due for a post guys… Anywhooo one of the best things about working night shift aside from it has tremendously decreased my anxiety level is you can rock out to tunes with your earphones. This probably confirms my weirdness, a bit of dark humor and maybe even questionable? or maybe not either way….This song is one of my many played playlists at work and I dance and sing along to it as I am stocking the shelves. (it’s a really hard song to sing btw) HAHA. The night crew I work with (awesome team btw) probably think I am a psycho tbh. One of the most overplayed songs that for some reason I never got tired of…

Ohhh I have also basically memorized (not mastered) Tyler’s dance moves in this video and rock out to this tune as well xD

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‘It’s hard not to hate. People, things, institutions. When they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed…’

“It’s hard not to hate. People, things, institutions. When they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed… hate is the only feeling that makes sense. But I know what hate does to a man. Tears him apart. Turns him into something he’s not. Something he promised himself he’d never become.” ❤

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"You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last 10 years?…Hundreds! Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely. Because I got tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a sad time-out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see. When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like my past coming around to give me another shot to do this different; better. And now that chance is running back to Chicago."

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That moment when you get a song stuck in your head…

Omg…I was singing this song out loud on the porch having a smoke, and then had it replay in my head for awhile now, but I had no idea what song it was. Like I know the song obviously, but couldn’t put the exact song or artist to it. It even took me awhile to youtube it cause it came up with different results, probably because I didn’t really know how the lyrics went I just had some of the lines and beat in my head.

‘All of the things that I don’t know
All of the feelings I don’t show
My mind doesn’t know where to go though’

For some reason I confused those lyrics but had that voice singing it stuck in my head. Hahaha Plus I write a lot of poetry and lyrics myself so there are times I will literally just make up the lyrics but it will still like match the song. I dunno, either way had a good laugh when I realized what song it was considering I was just listening to one of his songs this morning and love his music.

Stay tuned/Pre warning sure much more music will be posted today or tomorrow as I am off tomorrow cause that is the kinda mood I am in. ❤

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Does this man ever write a bad song?

Binging NF even songs I have never checked out before because people don’t buy albums anymore tbh I found like the perfect song of what the hubby and I have been going through. Anyone who has raised me, had to live with me etc deserve a lot of credit. No one knows how hard it actually is to live with someone on the autism spectrum more than me. It completely sucks sometimes. Think gonna dedicate him this song later when he gets off work ❤

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‘Hold up my balloons and cover up my face I can feel them weighing on me every day’

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

Warning: Not only is this going to be a lengthly rant, but talks of depression, anxiety and other mental health related things. Also may be moments of cursing and dark related topics. This is going to be unedited, very honest and open. If you are in a bad place and easily triggered or don’t want to read it, simply don’t. Okay thanks. 😃

I am currently drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside, which is very suiting. I kinda had to laugh out loud when the rain started pouring down when I started writing this. Is that too dramatic? xD

Okay moving on…

As some of you may already know from previous posts I am in a pretty bad place right now and have been for quite awhile now. The stresses at work, with trying to go in everyday no matter how burned out I may be, the difficulties I have in my everyday personal life, depression, anxiety and episodes of completely shutting down continue. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was somewhat okay or could deal with certain things better than I am right now. My body and mind is screaming for a break or some time to just regroup. Sometimes it doesn’t help I don’t always exactly know how to solve my own things like anxiety, avoiding mental break downs or shutdowns. I probably need therapy, but I haven’t even had the energy to look into it. As mentioned before, I have a really hard time talking about a lot of these things especially being on the Autism spectrum because 95% of the time it is met with generic negative responses like ‘you don’t look like you have autism,’ ‘you look fine to me,’ ‘oh it is just social anxiety, get over it’ or some other ignorant comment. Cause you know Autism is just social related, and only has one look, right? *rolls eyes* It’s hard enough being away from everything I know and everyone I love since I have moved to the states, that as much as talking to my husband helps he has his own struggles too and can’t always be his 100% supportive husband even when he tries. I feel very alone, especially when it comes to things like my autism.

There has been a lot of stress at work in just my everyday work and also other related problems that I cannot discuss publicly but it has been really defeating and crippling. It has not helped my last attempts at trying not to be an insecure wreck, ball of anxiety or want to continue fighting. Yet I feel stuck at this job and something in me that even if I wasn’t stuck, I don’t want to give up. It’s maddening that if people only knew my struggles or actually saw truly how hard I am trying and what I swallow everyday that maybe there could be better resolve to certain situations. Instead they only see a glimpse of it and are judging from the outside. My attendance has not been the best, but if they only knew I am fighting anxiety every single day and forcing myself to go in. So some days I am completely exhausted and out of energy to even leave my bed, never mind go in. My attendance was getting back up there and I hadn’t missed time in 3 months and then I was having stomach problems I missed a couple days. My stomach problems have been getting so bad I actually am looking into booking an appointment to ask how much testing will costs etc and then try to figure out a budget to get them done. Don’t think stressing about my health helps. I may or not be switching shifts. Long story short, I am trying and really would like to go to night shifts because I think it could really help my anxiety as the job on nights is basically one task and less people. It may be a faster pace, but you deal with less customers, less managers and everyone is too busy actually working to deal with or cause drama. The managers on nights also allow employees to listen to music with earphones or headphones and I have always worked better or done anything better while listening to music as it really helps things like my anxiety and becoming too overwhelmed. It helps me shut out the outside world a bit and just buckle down and work. I think it would tremendously help my anxiety, my attendance and other things I have been struggling with on days. I am waiting to hear about it and can’t talk about much besides that, but will keep you posted.

My anxiety has been so bad in and outside of work that I am not doing 100% at anything in my life currently. I am just doing everything as if nothing is wrong or rushing things so I can take down time without realizing the consequences of half assing things and stressing out later. Sometimes I just plainly forget to do things that are important all together. My functioning when I am faking it is OKAY at BEST, or maybe not even okay. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for those around me or have to deal with it and it makes me feel like complete shit. I feel frozen or numb all the time, especially to the outside world. I have been very introverted as well. I sacrifice a lot by going to work everyday including time spent with my husband because I need a great deal of down time to take care of myself. The only problem is lately no matter how much time I take for myself it really isn’t doing anything or changing how I feel.

I am depressed. I was doing okay for a long time and it has been quite sometime since I have had episodes or cycles of depression, but it is something I will always deal with and have in my life. It is not so much suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of just completely giving up on everything. In little arguments with my husband (cause you know married couples have those especially when you live with someone on the autism spectrum…it happens.) I threaten sometimes to just go back to Canada. Not because I don’t love my husband or because I actually want to end things with him, but because I get in very defensive modes where I want everyone and everything to just fuck off. At times I just don’t care about the consequences because I don’t care about anything right now. Then I freak out on him when he gets in similar moods. Think we both need a vacation from everything, especially mentally. I wish I could just eff off somewhere for a few weeks or even a month, but responsibilities still taken care of and not fired from my job at least. I am in a really dark place and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I have no energy left to continue fighting. I am numb, I don’t care about anything and I just want to give up. In basic terms that is how I feel. It may sound dramatic or not very well explained, but it is the honest truth. I hate depression…fucking hate it more than any other mental health or emotional problems I deal with. It is completely crippling.

I haven’t been eating at all and when I do I tend to just eat junk because that is all that is appealing or remotely appetizing. Been smoking a lot more too using stress as the number one excuse most smokers use, yet smoking actually raises your blood pressure and hence stressed more. I am complaining about my stomach and health problems while not taking care of it.

I am not sure why I repeated how I have been feeling these passed few months or so, but just in different terms…Mental health is something that is really important to me and I think it is good to talk about it, because it is more common than we think. For anyone who is going through a rough or dark time know you can comment here on this post and this is an environment you can feel safe in. I can only discuss it or open up about it in my own terms, but I felt the need to post about it. That maybe if I am still opening up in someways it can help. Sorry for being a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I appreciate all your guys support. 😃 ♥ Sorry I also have not been posting much of anything even updates or rants. I have been mainly just been playing The Sims 4 in my down time (I have become a Script Mod and CC nerd!) because why not simulate your life when yours is a complete wreck, right? xD

My weekly tunage….

‘In a sick way I want to thank you, For holding my head up late at night, While I was busy waging wars on myself,, You were trying to stop the fight, You never doubted my warped opinions, On things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself, When it was way too hard to take’ ❤

Shared before…one of the most meaningful and emotional songs I have heard in my life

One of my latest favorite artists and loved Travis Barker since Blink 182 days. This feature is pure bliss ❤

This man has been my life savior this year

'Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah, manners missing, travel different, no control, yeah, time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed, My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah, Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost'

Song is fire…gets me pumped xD

Been crying to this song a lot lately…for weeks now actually. ;o

'I'm paralyzed, Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should, I'm paralyzed, Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed'