If the sun don’t shine on me today n if the subways flood n bridges break, will you lay yourself down n dig your grave or will you rail against your dying day

The hubby and I have been super stressed, have had really bad luck for weeks, physically and mentally exhausted…but we have found our own apartment, moved out and received good news this week. (yes that was a horrible and probably a run on sentence, but I don’t care. This is not an official post of any kind. Shush grammar Nazis!) More to come on all of that this week as I will share all the news, good and bad. For now I am just spamming more music tbh. xD

This song I mentioned before reminds me of the panic we were leaving Canada and how I listened to this song on the road trip to the states. It was so last minute, unplanned and we were both scared to death. These past few weeks we have almost been feeling that scared and desperate again etc. So I’d like to share the song again as it has helped me through a lot. 🙂 It has amazed me for someone like me with the challenges I have and battle everyday I am still here surviving. I am here to tell anyone if I can do it, so can you. It will always get better and we do find ways to cope with our challenges. Music is one of mine. ❤

Love it!

The Lumineers ❤

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One of the best songs of the 90’s

I had a good talk with someone at work yesterday about California. She said if you go to Hollywood during the day it looks like complete trash. That it doesn’t look really good until night and the sweepers come out. Talked about the pollution in Cali from all the over population. How you can get a ticket for smoking a cigarette on the street in some areas. She said there is this huge cloud of pollution in the sky. Yikes I knew it was bad but not that bad. I laughed and it reminded me of this song.

Pure genius on all levels. Music, society etc. ❤ Still wonder why humanity is not freaking out because we should be scared shitless.

My life update/rant as promised…

Hello again to all my amazing followers and readers!

So it has been a crazy few weeks to say the least, so pull up a comfy chair and grab a snack or drink because this may be a lengthly entry. Unfortunately I cannot share every personal and excruciating detail because the Internet is never private and once you hit publish it cannot be erased forever. (For all you folks who post personal shit and then cry later when it blows up in your face…Stop doing this crap, the Internet is and never will be private or safe. The minute you share it online is the minute it does become other people’s business to judge, talk shit etc because it is what us humans do. The Internet is not your personal diary. Sorry!) Given the scenario and dynamics of one of the situations the hubby and I are currently experiencing is too close to home and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and don’t want anymore drama etc so I apologize and will do my best to keep you guys as updated as I can. Just know this is the most stressed out the hubby and I have been in a very long time and when I thought it couldn’t get any worse it did, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

To share briefly, but cannot share exactly what is going down a few weeks ago the hubby and I received shocking and heartbreaking news that has basically moved up our plans of moving out in more end of August/September to end of July, if not sooner. It is not that we don’t want to move out on our own, we very much do but the financial stress of it is killing us.

Just when we started to budget tighter and save as much as we can to be able to make this big move we got hit with even more bad luck. Funny story time…A year ago I had a chunk of something fell out of my upper left tooth. Not realizing some of my wisdom teeth came in already including my upper left one I thought my filling from a cavity I had on that side came out. Turns out it was actually a piece of my wisdom tooth and it has continued to break throughout this past year or so. It not only was impacted underneath the tooth infront of it, it exposed my nerve/roots and became infected. A week ago I just thought I was teething really bad with my wisdom teeth and maybe my wisdom tooth was pushing on where I had thought the filling fell out(pain I was use to, but not this bad) turns out I wasn’t teething it was this brutal infection in my upper left wisdom tooth. The filling is still in and was the tooth in front of my infected wisdom tooth. Long story short I have been off work since last Friday in excruciating pain, no sleep, couldn’t eat, on pain meds, antibiotics etc until I had my emergency extraction of my infected tooth yesterday. Finally relief! The procedure was gross and not gonna lie it did suck, but my oral surgeon was very caring and it went fast. Sure my entire left jaw and cheek was numbed up, as well as the Novocaine (Not sure if this is what they gave me, but it was the same basic shit)/laughing gas I could still feel the pressure and wiggling to break it out and the sound of it made me a bit sick. However I was a tough cookie and it went really fast. I was in so much pain from the infection I was not even that nervous regardless of it being my first extraction or any kind of surgical procedure and my fear of needles. It was honestly such a relief of pain and being so tense for days to have that tooth removed.

The only problem is with being a new legal alien in this country we have no dental or health insurance so the meds, doctor/dentist visits and the extractions was horribly expensive. As much as people hate on Canada and their lack of doctors, least they don’t come after you when you are too poor to make medical bills. These bills we just paid may be the difference of us being homeless in a month. That may be an dramatic exaggeration, but is true for many cases actually. Something else that I really regret is getting all my prescription filled by the oral surgeon before I waited to see how much pain I would actually be in. They prescribed me Norcos (narcotics tbh) for my recovery of my extraction. Only to find out I am not in that much pain right now and am sleeping/eating just fine on a couple motrin a day. (600 mg I was on 800 mg before the extraction) I could have used the Norcos before the extraction when I could not sleep, eat or do anything besides cry and tense up from pain of the infection. Yet was told I couldn’t get any stronger pain meds prescribed to me for my infection. It is not a conspiracy I am sure to rape us for more money…but it could be tbh. Hehe. They also took me off the antibiotics I was on before my extraction and put me on a higher dose. Thank fuck those antibiotics they asked me to stop taking were free or I would be in a fist of rage.

Either way now that we are broker than ever before and the stress of everything I am really happy I took care of my mouth health and am so relieved I am no longer in pain and can return to work after a two day recovery on Saturday. It was seriously the worse pain I have felt thus far in my life.

So yes on top of my anxiety issues I already have been dealing with, the fact we had to cancel our vacation to Canada that we both were looking forward to (You know I was kinda looking forward to seeing my dad who is not in the best of health for his 60th birthday and getting all my stuff that is still in Canada…Thanks life and people YOU SUCK!) and all of this we are probably the most stressed out since we started our relationship or at least in a very long time. It is a lot to handle, not gonna lie and I am crumbling. Just trying my best to fight through it and take it day by day. I am taking the next two days off to relax and get all my down time in as I am back to work on Saturday. Once I return to work it will be no more missed days (this was my first time I took time off work since I started this job. Buh bye perfect attendance thanks to my tooth) and we also both need to try to pick up some extra hours/shifts to save up for this move, bills…life regardless of anxiety and stress. Who needs to have fun or even have a life when money buys happiness right guys? *shakes head*

My lengthly rant of our bad luck, hate on life and society is done. *breathes* Now to end it on a positive note. I am excited to return to work surprisingly sitting around the house alone is kinda boring and lonely. We CANNOT wait to move out into our place where other people’s shit will no longer impact or affect our lives. On Monday we actually have a booking to go see an apartment we are interested in and if the time lines up etc…we will do everything we can to get it and move in ASAP. If not explore our other options we have for places to live and keep looking. Cannot wait!

Now every time I post an entry I am going to start a new theme sort of. Even though I normally share music I have been listening too/love and it is not new that I spam it all down your throats, I will start caling the songs I share ‘Songs of the day.’ It just made sense to me as when I share music it is normally music I ave been listening/jamming to that day or week and/or have been obsessed with.

So here you go…Ending this post with my ‘Songs Of The Day.’

Unbreakable ~ Framing Hanley

Besides the excitement of moving minus the stress and music, my husband is the only one/thing who is keeping going everyday and my head above water. As soon as I discovered this song it suited how I felt so perfectly.

RX (Medicate) ~ Theory

Though I am not a druggie, with how bored/stressed I have been this week and all the pain meds I have been on this song is sorta suiting. Made me giggle. xD Don’t worry I am not overdosing on my pain meds. Hahahaha

“I am so frickin’ bored nothing to do today, I guess I’ll just sit around and medicate.”

The Return ~ MGK

This song has always spoke to me and inspired me, but it especially does right now in my life.

“All of a sudden doctors said I couldn’t rap, I had a polyp on my vocal chords, Left with a choice, Stop now or possibly lose my voice, But I woke up every morning, And recorded ’til my throat swelled shut, Coughed blood after every show, ‘Cause it hurt that much, I went weeks without even saying a word to myself, No health insurance so doctor bills piled up on the shelf, Rap for my daughter and my fam, And every single fan, I pushed through it now I’m back for y’all again, As for my competition, This the beginning of the end, But right now this is my return, Amen~Kells”

Invincible ~ Hedley

“Took a long hard look at my life, Lost my way while I was fighting the time, A big black cloud, stormy sky, Followed me, oh I was living a lie, So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, When all your nights are starless, You’re running outta hope, But I found the strength inside to see, Found the better part of me, And I’ll never let it go”

Nothing Compares To You ~ Chris Cornell (Prince Cover)

In memory of Chris Cornell and his phenomenal voice.

Although the Stereophonics version of this song is my favorite, this is a very close second. A beautiful cover.

Rolling In The Deep ~ Linkin Park (Adele cover)

In memory of Chester Bennington and his beautiful vocals.

Numb ~ Linkin Park

Also in memory of Chester and a song that is all too relatable. Speaks to me when it comes to things like my autism and society tbh.

I Don’t Care Anymore ~ Phil Collins

Sharing this one again because I have made a promise to myself to start putting myself first, fuck what others say/do and it’s a great song! Also reminds me of the good old times playing GTA cruising around. xD

I am on a music binge/relax day so may share more tunes later.

On A Eddie Vedder/Pearl Jam Binge…Life rant/post coming later today.

I was actually listening to a lot of Linkin Park, Soundgarden, Audioslave and tributes to the two amazing musicians (Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington) but with the tragic death of the two and the stress I am already under I started balling my eyes out. Not because I knew the two personally, but both their music has saved me all my life and been dear to me that the thought that they are no longer with us is still as heartbreaking as when I first heard the news. Something about how many talented and very gifted individuals can end their life so tragically is so heartbreaking. So I had to change over to Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam. A man with one of the best vocals I grew up listening to and still is with us today keeps the hope alive for music. I absolutely love Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder’s voice is of the similar sound of Chris Cornell and that genre/generation, but still unique and very beautiful. So here’s to you Eddie Vedder for keeping music alive!

One of my favorite solo songs by Eddie Vedder and on the ‘Into The Wild’ soundtrack. (personally one of my favorite movie soundtracks) Though this song may be written about the sun/nature or a woman, this song of course reminds me of my hubby. ❤ 🙂

Another amazing song featured on the same soundtrack 'Into The Wild.'

If the hubby and I had a soundtrack, this song would be one of them. This song means more to me than words can describe and it sends shivers down my spine. It is such a relief we both are now legal in the same country, can work and start a life for ourselves free of stress etc. It is also one of my all time favs by the band. ❤

Another amazing and beautiful song by Pearl Jam about humanity, but may be mistaken for a love song as well.

A song I also adore that shows the diversity of Pearl Jam and Eddie's voice. 🙂

Last, but not least a beautiful/tear jerking heartbroken song that my husband always plays for me on guitar. Love it!

‘It’s driven me before, n it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal, but lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel…’

After a terrible couple weeks (maybe an update on that today we will see) this song has helped me so much. I love how for whatever mood I am in there is always a song out there that explains how I feel. Plus it’s a classic, so I thought I should share it with you all. 🙂 ❤

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I’ll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I am beginning to find
That I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes
Whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there, I’ll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance
To be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine
And hold my own and drive?
It’s driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I am beginning to find
That when I drive myself my light is found
So whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes
Whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there, I’ll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes
Whatever tomorrow brings
I’ll be there, I’ll be there