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That moment when you get a song stuck in your head…

Omg…I was singing this song out loud on the porch having a smoke, and then had it replay in my head for awhile now, but I had no idea what song it was. Like I know the song obviously, but couldn’t put the exact song or artist to it. It even took me awhile to youtube it cause it came up with different results, probably because I didn’t really know how the lyrics went I just had some of the lines and beat in my head.

‘All of the things that I don’t know
All of the feelings I don’t show
My mind doesn’t know where to go though’

For some reason I confused those lyrics but had that voice singing it stuck in my head. Hahaha Plus I write a lot of poetry and lyrics myself so there are times I will literally just make up the lyrics but it will still like match the song. I dunno, either way had a good laugh when I realized what song it was considering I was just listening to one of his songs this morning and love his music.

Stay tuned/Pre warning sure much more music will be posted today or tomorrow as I am off tomorrow cause that is the kinda mood I am in. ❤

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Does this man ever write a bad song?

Binging NF even songs I have never checked out before because people don’t buy albums anymore tbh I found like the perfect song of what the hubby and I have been going through. Anyone who has raised me, had to live with me etc deserve a lot of credit. No one knows how hard it actually is to live with someone on the autism spectrum more than me. It completely sucks sometimes. Think gonna dedicate him this song later when he gets off work ❤

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‘Hold up my balloons and cover up my face I can feel them weighing on me every day’

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

Warning: Not only is this going to be a lengthly rant, but talks of depression, anxiety and other mental health related things. Also may be moments of cursing and dark related topics. This is going to be unedited, very honest and open. If you are in a bad place and easily triggered or don’t want to read it, simply don’t. Okay thanks. 😃

I am currently drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside, which is very suiting. I kinda had to laugh out loud when the rain started pouring down when I started writing this. Is that too dramatic? xD

Okay moving on…

As some of you may already know from previous posts I am in a pretty bad place right now and have been for quite awhile now. The stresses at work, with trying to go in everyday no matter how burned out I may be, the difficulties I have in my everyday personal life, depression, anxiety and episodes of completely shutting down continue. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was somewhat okay or could deal with certain things better than I am right now. My body and mind is screaming for a break or some time to just regroup. Sometimes it doesn’t help I don’t always exactly know how to solve my own things like anxiety, avoiding mental break downs or shutdowns. I probably need therapy, but I haven’t even had the energy to look into it. As mentioned before, I have a really hard time talking about a lot of these things especially being on the Autism spectrum because 95% of the time it is met with generic negative responses like ‘you don’t look like you have autism,’ ‘you look fine to me,’ ‘oh it is just social anxiety, get over it’ or some other ignorant comment. Cause you know Autism is just social related, and only has one look, right? *rolls eyes* It’s hard enough being away from everything I know and everyone I love since I have moved to the states, that as much as talking to my husband helps he has his own struggles too and can’t always be his 100% supportive husband even when he tries. I feel very alone, especially when it comes to things like my autism.

There has been a lot of stress at work in just my everyday work and also other related problems that I cannot discuss publicly but it has been really defeating and crippling. It has not helped my last attempts at trying not to be an insecure wreck, ball of anxiety or want to continue fighting. Yet I feel stuck at this job and something in me that even if I wasn’t stuck, I don’t want to give up. It’s maddening that if people only knew my struggles or actually saw truly how hard I am trying and what I swallow everyday that maybe there could be better resolve to certain situations. Instead they only see a glimpse of it and are judging from the outside. My attendance has not been the best, but if they only knew I am fighting anxiety every single day and forcing myself to go in. So some days I am completely exhausted and out of energy to even leave my bed, never mind go in. My attendance was getting back up there and I hadn’t missed time in 3 months and then I was having stomach problems I missed a couple days. My stomach problems have been getting so bad I actually am looking into booking an appointment to ask how much testing will costs etc and then try to figure out a budget to get them done. Don’t think stressing about my health helps. I may or not be switching shifts. Long story short, I am trying and really would like to go to night shifts because I think it could really help my anxiety as the job on nights is basically one task and less people. It may be a faster pace, but you deal with less customers, less managers and everyone is too busy actually working to deal with or cause drama. The managers on nights also allow employees to listen to music with earphones or headphones and I have always worked better or done anything better while listening to music as it really helps things like my anxiety and becoming too overwhelmed. It helps me shut out the outside world a bit and just buckle down and work. I think it would tremendously help my anxiety, my attendance and other things I have been struggling with on days. I am waiting to hear about it and can’t talk about much besides that, but will keep you posted.

My anxiety has been so bad in and outside of work that I am not doing 100% at anything in my life currently. I am just doing everything as if nothing is wrong or rushing things so I can take down time without realizing the consequences of half assing things and stressing out later. Sometimes I just plainly forget to do things that are important all together. My functioning when I am faking it is OKAY at BEST, or maybe not even okay. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for those around me or have to deal with it and it makes me feel like complete shit. I feel frozen or numb all the time, especially to the outside world. I have been very introverted as well. I sacrifice a lot by going to work everyday including time spent with my husband because I need a great deal of down time to take care of myself. The only problem is lately no matter how much time I take for myself it really isn’t doing anything or changing how I feel.

I am depressed. I was doing okay for a long time and it has been quite sometime since I have had episodes or cycles of depression, but it is something I will always deal with and have in my life. It is not so much suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of just completely giving up on everything. In little arguments with my husband (cause you know married couples have those especially when you live with someone on the autism spectrum…it happens.) I threaten sometimes to just go back to Canada. Not because I don’t love my husband or because I actually want to end things with him, but because I get in very defensive modes where I want everyone and everything to just fuck off. At times I just don’t care about the consequences because I don’t care about anything right now. Then I freak out on him when he gets in similar moods. Think we both need a vacation from everything, especially mentally. I wish I could just eff off somewhere for a few weeks or even a month, but responsibilities still taken care of and not fired from my job at least. I am in a really dark place and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I have no energy left to continue fighting. I am numb, I don’t care about anything and I just want to give up. In basic terms that is how I feel. It may sound dramatic or not very well explained, but it is the honest truth. I hate depression…fucking hate it more than any other mental health or emotional problems I deal with. It is completely crippling.

I haven’t been eating at all and when I do I tend to just eat junk because that is all that is appealing or remotely appetizing. Been smoking a lot more too using stress as the number one excuse most smokers use, yet smoking actually raises your blood pressure and hence stressed more. I am complaining about my stomach and health problems while not taking care of it.

I am not sure why I repeated how I have been feeling these passed few months or so, but just in different terms…Mental health is something that is really important to me and I think it is good to talk about it, because it is more common than we think. For anyone who is going through a rough or dark time know you can comment here on this post and this is an environment you can feel safe in. I can only discuss it or open up about it in my own terms, but I felt the need to post about it. That maybe if I am still opening up in someways it can help. Sorry for being a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I appreciate all your guys support. 😃 ♥ Sorry I also have not been posting much of anything even updates or rants. I have been mainly just been playing The Sims 4 in my down time (I have become a Script Mod and CC nerd!) because why not simulate your life when yours is a complete wreck, right? xD

My weekly tunage….

‘In a sick way I want to thank you, For holding my head up late at night, While I was busy waging wars on myself,, You were trying to stop the fight, You never doubted my warped opinions, On things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself, When it was way too hard to take’ ❤

Shared before…one of the most meaningful and emotional songs I have heard in my life

One of my latest favorite artists and loved Travis Barker since Blink 182 days. This feature is pure bliss ❤

This man has been my life savior this year

'Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah, manners missing, travel different, no control, yeah, time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed, My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah, Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost'

Song is fire…gets me pumped xD

Been crying to this song a lot lately…for weeks now actually. ;o

'I'm paralyzed, Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should, I'm paralyzed, Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed'

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Been in a dark place and yet I still can’t really talk about it

I just want to apologize to my blog, followers and everyone in my life right now tbh. I have not been myself or very much together for quite a long time now. I have sucked at blogging, been doing terrible in my everyday life, been very forgetful especially when it comes to responsibility, been really awful with my husband and it is because I am just so tired of everything. I take it out on him. I need a break of any kind. I may try to ramble about it over the next couple days but it’s getting really hard to fight through this and function everyday. It is not just my anxiety, OCD, other struggles I am use too, I know I am depressed again. Yayyy for these effing cycles.

Today sucked btw, like legit…I am suppose to be on vacation and only a mini three day vacation that I am wasting a paid day on cause my manager well sucks…Wasted all morning running around all for nothing tbh. So done with a lot of crap. My hubby did try his best to cheer me up and make the most of our day together after it was ruined this morning. I also spent some time on one of my favorite mixer streamers. Him and his community is so awesome. It’s crazy how people here on wordpress or on some streaming community can remind you of better times or support you, but it’s true and it was beautiful. I know I shared my mixer stream and my hubby’s stream here but if you really want to know why I am so pumped about the whole thing and want to see a professional streamer you can check out one of my favorite streamers who is very professional and partnered with Mixer. It’s hard to describe but even I get emotional about watching his community grow, how much they support him, other streamers and I dunno. 😛 But yeah click on this link if you would like to know what a legit stream looks like.

https://mixer.com/SykoPlayz?vod=09i9kJi7j0aF4tVf0uKIfQ

Think I need to make another spotify playlist 😛 Music can always save me, it is literally the most therapeutic thing to me and always will be. sometimes I don’t need positive uplifting crap to see me through haha

This song though ❤ I legit sat in the shower and cried to this song today, but it was actually therapeutic and I think I needed it.

This song has been with me since my teen years ❤ It's literally how I feel right now.

Oh look the most generic depressing song ever, but I don't care ❤

I remember the first time I heard this song it was when I was in one of my darkest places as a teen. I played it on repeat, smoked a cigarette and cried in my bed. Some people cut, binge eat etc…my vice as a teen was weed and cigarettes. Yet I say how drugs destroys lives now. It did for a long time for me, weed is not a bad drug, but when you are stoned all the time it has all sorts of side effects including insane mood swings. I am still addicted to cigarettes because it once made gave me relief for 5 mins as a teen.

Speaking of drugs. A lot of people may not know this but this is about a heroin addict. One of the most beautiful and heartbreaking songs I have ever heard.

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So today sucked, but didn’t all at once….

On a verge of a mental break down or possible Autistic shutdown. Mentally exhausted to the max and I am back to work tomorrow. The hubby’s and I’s day off turned into doing a bunch of much needed errands that took all day as much as we NEEDED the day to relax. There was many moments of grumpiness and small arguments. I am still aggravated between the dumb shit we put up with and my lack of downtime, BUT real life stresses and adulting has been dealt with. Stresses that we have been dealing with the passed few months all relieved. By some miracle we figured it out again.

We also each got new phones and I got a new belt today for work as mine was falling apart so that is at least a plus. Not completely crap or cheap phones either. It is the LG K 30 or whatever. We were told they were the best phones their that can be offered in the promotion going on. That and one other phone I forget what it was but the sales guy was like I’d take LG anyday. Bigger screen, twice as much storage as our old phones etc. They are also a lot thinner which I like. Basically we had our phones shut off for a couple months because we were really bumming on money and figured save the 60 bucks a month we were paying for our phone service and just use Texting free apps for emergencies. Well after a month of having your phone cut off you lose your phone number and have to pay extra fees to get it reconnected. The guy at the phone company place we go through is probably the best customer service person I ever had to deal with for anything. He cares more about making sales and taking care of his customers than over charging the crap out of people just to make extra cash. We only had to pay 20 bucks more out the door for two new phones completely paid off completely pay like the small re connection service fee and next month our bill will be the same amount we always pay. Unlimited data etc all for 30 bucks a month, we only pay 60 bucks because it is for our two phones. Sure it was 20 bucks more out the door than if we just simply reconnected our phones and we could have saved the 20 bucks right now like not gonna lie money is that tight. I rationalized as this guy probably won’t give us another great deal like this, our phones are 2 years old and if they break in a month we will pay full price for new phones. Like take it when you can get it. 😛 He also took 10 or more bucks off phone cases because we hesitated on getting them. Even though I know not every phone place or customer service is as great as the place we go to, but one thing USA has Canada or at least Bell Canada beat is phone plans. I got coaxed into so many ridiculous phone contracts in Canada and had to pay for data by like the GB or whatever and if you want out of your contract you have to pay your phone off and all these other ridiculous fees. Good luck if your phone breaks. xD That guy though deserves a shout out, because not only did he give us an unbelievable deal today he did the first time we got phones hooked up there, it is not some one time deal to coax you into coming back. Haha.

Since I don’t want to delve into much of our personal business and what we have been stressing about for months I will just say one of the leasing office ladies we deal with for our apartment is a stupid broad who cannot do basic math. After two mistakes of giving us wrong fees she did it yet again today and worse yesterday she threw another office lady under the bus to cover up one of her multiple mistakes. Not only is our rent getting higher and higher, an incident that made both the hubby and I livid, we are being forced to deal with some stupid bitch that cannot do math. This entire time she could be over charging us and we have no idea because everytime we ask for fees or whatever it is a different answer, even about the same fee. She shows no concern for her own mistakes or bad for anyone. Is it entirely their fault? No we have been late a couple times and that is entirely on US. I accept that. What I do not accept is dealing with people who are in charge of rather I have a roof over my head or not cannot give us straight answers or do their job properly. Thinking about buying out our lease and trying to get into a cheaper apartment with leasing people who can do their job. I’m still pissed about it and when the manager is in next we will be having a chat with them. I hate to put people on blast on here, but when we move out finally or whenever that may be I will be giving them the nastiest review they have ever seen and trust me they already have a lot of bad reviews so I don’t really care. It is not personal or breaking the law to say DO YOUR EFFING JOB. This is not some little mistake, this is money and people’s lives you are making mistakes on, not once but multiple times. How many other people has she screwed around and has she over charge other tenants and just said OOPSIES? Just urg…I can’t anymore.

Anyways sorry for rambling on about shit that pisses me off or my brand new phone. 😛 The purpose of this post was no matter how overwhelmed, extremely aggravated like can’t deal with anything aggravated or exhausted I am and no matter how many future social/life mishaps I will probably have the next few days or so, I did my adult duties today and relieved a crap load of stress. Do I question if it is worth my mental health sometimes? Like why is all this hard work not really paying off and I just feel like a disaster most of the time? Yes and perhaps society rants to come BUT…it feels good to know I am taking care of my own life and I am surviving. I think sometimes the cycles we get ourselves into can be fought, and you can make your life. It just depends how badly you are willing to fight for it. I should probably be lying in my bed depressed or collapsing, but I’m not. Is it stressful as fuck sometimes? Yes. Life is not suppose to be easy. There are benefits and there are good things in my life. I’d rather be freaking out with a roof over my head, a car to drive to work everyday or wherever I please, food on the table etc than be miserable and homeless. People have it a lot worse than me. Now if I could just figure out some days how to beat my demons or how to roll with my autism better. 😛 It’s like really bad though like I am not functioning, everything is irritating to me like my hubby can’t even talk to me right now without me cringing because I am in such a desperate need to be away from people and my adult duties, but continuing with life anyways pretending everything is fine. I really need to write more about things like this as well. 😛

Music is my savior tonight and a huge part of the reason why I am still going. ❤

I have explained a few times before this song means a lot to me and had a lot to do with my experience coming here to the states and all the changes in my life. This was our road trip song here pretty much. 😛 Right now though it inspires me to fight another day. 🙂

'If the sun don't shine on me today, And if the subways flood and bridges break, Will you lay yourself down and dig your grave, Or will you rail against your dying day

And when we looked outside, Couldn't even see the sky, How do you pay the rent, Is it your parents, Or is hard work dear, Holding the atmosphere, I don't wanna live like that, yeah

If the sun don't shine on me today, If the subways flood and bridges break

Jesus Christ can't save me tonight, Put on your dress, yes wear something nice, Decide on me, yea decide on us'

This song is just super humbling and in this moment really therapeutic.

This is still my latest obsession and this chorus is super relatable. 😛 I have put on a mask my entire life and still do cause well FU society.

Them Demons. Trivium is my favorite metal band for anyone who wonders. 😛 Hilarious some bitch is yelling outside of my apartment as if my autism and anxiety couldn't rage anymore. YUP TURNS IT UP!!!

'My anxiety's clawing, Out from deep within me, It burns within as my throat begins to cauterize, This negativity's leeching, Any shred of composure, Rationale has decayed and left me bound in madness, I reach for calm, I starve for a balance unknown, This burden tortures me deep in my soul'

These vocals ❤

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Oh heyyy…

Hey guys…I hope everyone is having a great week.

Since updatey posts have been my thing lately and I need to just vent or stress about my life let’s keep up the trend of my life posts. xD

Even though I am managing to keep up my normal routine of work, responsibilities at home and errands etc, I am still pretty out of it mentally. I am physically tired because my job is very physical demanding, but more mentally tired. The hubby and I have been going through a lot of personal stuff and really stressed financially as well. It is really tough because I was already naturally overwhelmed because of my nature that the extra stress is becoming almost impossible to truly be able to deal with it. I honestly don’t know how I am still managing to still put up this fake persona of going to work everyday and just seem like I am somewhat okay. It is really affecting my personal life though. It also seems to come in spurts kinda and it is not this like long period of just doom and gloom or completely collapsing from my everyday responsibilities. There are days I work my full 8 hour shift and come home to do household chores or whatever responsibility needs to be taken care of that day and there are days I wake up sick to my stomach from anxiety, don’t want to do anything and I just push through my shift like some zombie so I can come home and do absolutely nothing. Those are the days that I am not that reliable at work or at home. The constant feeling of overwhelming or this foggy state I feel like I’m in never truly goes away. I think because what I have been going through this past few months is causing more problems because I am not dealing with anything properly or being able to problem solve anything. It is really hard to explain, but there have been quite a few things lately I could have done something about it at the time but I like mentally blacked out and realized later there was something I could have done and because I didn’t it really affected me. I hate how I make myself people’s doormats or how I don’t have the ability to help myself out of situations sometimes. Looking from the outside I look completely fine, I show up to work for all my shifts, I function at a somewhat okay state and am still doing normal adult things, but on the inside I am a complete nightmare right now and if you looked at the whole picture I am failing both socially and in situations that are deeply destroying me. I am not really functioning right now it just looks like I am and because I am still trying to fight through it or put on some survival fake persona it is not helping in the long run.

Work is a shit show and I can’t really talk about it I am just at wits end with a lot of stuff and I am tired of being talked out of stuff, being told how I interpret things or feel is no big deal or wrong. My hubby is on a six day stretch at work because of inventory and it has been also really hard on him. My hours are probably going to get cut again coming up which actually makes no effing sense.

I’m just mentally exhausted and tired of feeling this way. Pretty sure I’m depressed again or going through some cycle of it I just haven’t came to terms with it and just trying to fight it.

Hoping the cut in hours can help with my feelings of being overwhelmed or whatever state this is at least since it is going to really affect our financial situation we were already in. It will also give me more time to post and work on my blog and also stream. Been also frustrated with the whole stream thing as I am trying to stream from a crappy old laptop and it has been really laggy and with us being so financially stressed looking into a desktop or any kind of PC is out of the question and will be for sometime. It’s tough because I am not even trying to do this stream odeal professionally or make a career out of it (I wouldn’t complain if it turned into something more or like that) but like I am really just doing it for fun and it’s something different. So when I can’t even have it work properly for my own enjoyment it is really aggravating. I’m still working on some posts that I have yet to post because I have been mad OCDing the sims and all the stuff that has been going on with me has been making it difficult to sit out and properly edit stuff or explain things the way I would like too.

Well that is about all that is up with me and know I deeply appreciate all your support here on wordpress. It does really help even in my hiatus.

Songs of my week….
I guess I’ll just be the outcast!!!!

When did I lose myself…… ❤

Probably one of the most powerful songs of our generation and a big FU to people who say rap is a bad influence. It also changed my life and made me really look in the mirror so this song will always have a special place in my heart. I listen to this whenever I think of completely giving up and it oddly inspires me every time.

This chorus really speaks to me…
'Well you look like yourself, but you're somebody else, only it ain't on the surface, well you talk like yourself, no, I hear someone else though, now you're making me nervous'

Cause this song is super chill… ❤

'I paced around for hours on empty, I jumped at the slightest of sounds, And I couldn't stand the person inside me, I turned all the mirrors around…'