One of the most powerful and emotional songs I ever heard, in my top 10 favorite songs of all time and also most relatable tbh. ❤ This song has gotten me through so much shit.
Hello all my amazing followers and readers!
My anxiety has been running at an all time high and I’m either very drained or hyperactive, so sorry I haven’t been posting much. I want to get back into posting more, but have been so busy with work and everyday life it unfortunately leaves little time for writing. It takes every bit of down time I am getting to relax and to push forward to continue showing up to work and take care of myself. My anxiety also causes my thoughts and mind to race in a speed I can’t seem to catch up with or control that it makes it really hard to hold onto a thought, never mind write. So for now we are stuck with this mini update post. Haha.
Besides my usual anxiety and other struggles I am actually doing alright. As mentioned I am going to work every night and working anywhere between 8 1/2 hour to 10 hour shifts. My anxiety and mental health is complaining, but my bank account is not. xD I actually can’t remember the last time I got out of work on time and with the holidays approaching it doesn’t look like it will calm down anytime soon. I figured if I work hard while the hours are there and save a bit I can worry about taking it easy later on as hours always flux-orate in retail and you gotta make money when it’s there. Regardless of having few minor break downs and struggling through some anxiety, it actually feels really good to be productive at work and in my everyday life. Like even through some of my mental health struggles, I’m happy. I have come so far in my life and have changed a lot that it is still paying off and I have broke myself out of another depression cycle.
I have not just managed to uphold full time hours, my other duties at home I am also making drastic changes in my life. Ones I should have made a lot sooner, but it’s never too late. I have started to exercise more and be more energetic outside of just my physical job, I am making drastic changes in my diet and working on smoking a lot less in hopes to maybe even quit if I can stop being weak. lol. I think my diet has probably been the most extreme change as I am going to go completely vegan. I say going to be because with that strict of a diet change it doesn’t happen over night. It takes a lot of research and dedication. I want to be completely ready before I make such a drastic change. I have started to slowly cut out meat (red meat entirely) and absolutely no more junk. I am not worried about cutting out meat as I basically only ate it because it was served to me growing up, but I wouldn’t say I really ever crave it or miss it when I am not eating it. In fact my biggest challenge will probably be to give up dairy products as I love cheese, milk, eggs…chocolate is even dairy ffs. LOL. However, I really want to do this. I have been wanting to go vegan for a few years now, but was always too weak to do that strict of a diet change and my husband would always laugh when I shared this belief. That was until we did some serious research and watching a bunch of documentaries to discover many people are thriving off a vegan diet, some even more so than those who are not including some of the top athletes in the world. However, I would argue no matter what diet you choose even the most balanced diet, anything can be dangerous if you are not careful enough about where you are choosing to get your food from and what you are putting into your body (including veggies, meats etc from your supermarket) I find people get so hung up on what is the healthiest diet that we are actually not questioning anything else. Most people don’t know or care to know what process your food took to get from where it came from to your plate. There is a huge difference between going out and hunting your food or growing your own garden then ignorantly just picking up food from your closest supermarket because it is convenient. ‘Blah blah, our ancestors ate meat so we’re meant to eat it you pussy ass vegans and vegetarians’ although there is now research and evidence to even prove that theory wrong let’s just consider this statement for a moment. That even if that was the case, our ancestors went out and hunted or gathered their own food. So unless you are some expert hunter I don’t have time for your senseless dribble tbh. (sorry I am going off topic, I am sure with me going vegan you will see many more posts relating to such things later on lol) I am not just going vegan for the health benefits I am also doing it for the welfare of animals because I love them more than humans tbh. I have seen far too many documentaries and videos on meat farms and animal cruelty that I cannot go one more minute ignoring or pretending it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach just so I can shovel food down my throat. Truth is with the advances of food and all the research available now on foods or diets, there is no reason you can’t be a health vegan. Again is it really anymore unhealthy than most of the diets out there? It’s easy to go vegan, it’s hard to be a healthy vegan but I know I can do it. I will of course make sure to regularly see my doctor and maybe even get a dietitian or whatever because I am not ignorant enough to believe you can live off of veggies, fruits and carbs alone. You have to be really careful of how to get all the nutrients we need to be healthy and having an advisory will help especially since I have ignored my health for long enough. If I am doing this for health benefits it would be stupid to go into it blindly. If I am going vegan for more than just the health benefits, environment benefits, but also for animal rights than I need to still do some serious research on what foods and drinks are vegan or not because you’d be surprised the shit I have found and never thought it had any animal by products in it. So yes I am going completely vegan, but just need to do a bit more research and search up tons more of recipes before I completely throw everything out in our cupboards or fridge and do a complete food overhaul. I am actually excited for this change. As for those who (not you guys…I mean population in general) who think I may be doing it to be trendy or jump on the vegan band wagon I don’t see this change as trendy. It makes me fucking sick that people think animal cruetly is just something to be taken lightly, that it is seen as weak or trendy to want to choose a better diet. It is literally just ignoring the fact we shovel down hormones and other crap and abuse animals in any means necessary so you can enjoy a nice cheeseburger. Like I’m weak because that stuff sickens me??? Okay what if it was humans we were talking about? Is it trendy not to be cannibalistic tbh? lol. It is almost like they are defending their ignorancy because they know deep down it’s wrong and we are some of the few species on this earth that actually don’t have to consume living beings to survive, especially with our advances. I am sorry unless you go out and hunt your own meat I will equally call you a pussy. 😉 Anywhooo…those kinda arguments are better off for another time, just thought I’d share as I think this will be a drastic change in my life, but a good one. If anyone who is reading this is vegan, or you are not and know great vegan recipes I should try feel free to share them in the comment section. Right now I could use any resource possible.
So yeah…I think making positive changes like these ones I mentioned will really benefit not just my physical health that I have been so damn worried about, but my mental health as well.
My husband has also had a rough month or so as he went from a huge tooth infection to blowing out his right shoulder and now has tendinitis and some other crap going on. There is obvious stress that comes with that and I am really worried about it. I am however not really in a state to talk much about it, but he is slowly on the mend. I will keep you guys posted on his health as well.
Well that is about all that is new with me. I have made a couple more Sims 4 videos on youtube since I last posted and I am really enjoying doing these kind of videos in my spare time, even if no one watches them. Haha. For real though I have no where else to currently share them right now as I am still on my social media hibernation (as in besides email, youtube and blogging I have no connection to social media and I am not ready to get back into it or know if I ever will be as I am so much happier without it) so I would like to share them here (although will be reopening my gamer blog I think here on wordpress) I would appreciate the views, but no pressure! Only if you are interested tbh, lol Been trying to put more work into this so it is another reason for my hiatus from here.
My youtube gamer channel:
My first Sims 4 Create A Sim video with a mini background story
I posted this speed build to youtube yesterday 😃
Random fact of the day: You can tell I haven’t been listening to much music on my computer via Youtube when I refresh the homepage and most results consist of The Sims or other weird things I watch on youtube. xD In fact, the only music appearing on my youtube homepage currently is free uncopyrighted music, probably from when I was searching for music for a current Sims 4 speed build video I put together this week…which brings us to this post. xD
Soooo….this is not anything blog, writing or wordpress related, but I like to think of my blog as more than just my space to share my writings or what have you. Instead I would like to hope that this can be my personal space on the internet to share anything creative or whatever the eff I feel like tbh because it is MY space. (HEHE remember Myspace anyone?!) At the very least it is something creative so it kinda is relatable right?
As most of you already know, I am a huge Sim geek and play the Sims almost on a daily basis. Some of you may also recall me discussing wanting to dive into the world of streaming or making my own youtube videos for the heck of it in my free time. Well I haven’t streamed in awhile, but I did manage to produce, edit (To the best of my ability with the lack of equipment I have currently…oh and also being super impatient) and share/upload my first video to youtube. It is obviously related to The Sims and is a Sims 4 speed build. The quality is kinda meh because of my lack of equipment, some lack of computer nerdiness/knowledge and I really wanted to see if it would upload or work before I spend anymore time than the 5 hours or so I already put into this in random spurts this week in my down time. Besides it was more kind of a test or a trial before I plan on uploading more videos or to see if I want to so I can forgive myself for the semi blurry/kinda crap quality this once. If anyone is interested in checking it out you can by simply clicking and following this link as it is just like watching any youtube video. 😛
Also secrets out given my youtube channel name I am sure now all of you know my real name is Jamie. 😛 No more being completely anonymous. Damn! I couldn’t resist with just how perfectly this name rhymes and I thought it was pretty creative. To my surprise it doesn’t seem to already exist as an account on just about anything that I have seen so far. Maybe it is a lot more cheesier than I thought. None the less I hope you enjoy it even if you are not a Sim fan.
I also have uploaded this house to The Sims Resource and they shared it today (had to wait a couple days after having it approved to the site) You can also check out my other builds I have made thus far if you are interested in that sorta thing.
This speed build video was more for fun than anything else and like I said a trial. I will probably share more things in the future on youtube etc but need to work on getting better quality for my recordings.
Btw….Mini update again
You know how I said I was feeling less anxious at work and blah blah blah? Well even though I am and this is by no means defeating or even a bad thing as I am so use to it, but even in the best of times I will never truly escape or not have anxiety. I have been having a great few weeks on nights, but I had a horrible night. It didn’t help that we fell behind for other reasons which only added to my anxiety, but yeah I had horrible anxiety and difficulty functioning for the first couple hours or so at work last night. It’s kinda hard to explain but had this anxious knot in my stomach since I woke up, was being super OCD, felt really off and trying to fight through it and still keep a steady pace pallets fell over on me, cases broke open when I was spotting the first aisle I worked (luckily it was just paper towel, paper plates etc/unbreakable crap) However, not once did I want to give up and go home. I managed to stick it out, fight through it and eventually felt better. I sped up and made up for as much loss time as I could. Haha. I think it could be for a few reasons..it does tend to happen when I over work myself and I also haven’t been sleeping the best this week. Not because I am having troubles sleeping, but because I have been going to bed too late and telling myself I will sleep more the next day only to repeat the same mistake of staying up for the last few days. Haha. So yeah guys I’m okay, just anxiety is something that will always be apart of my life and I am just glad I fought through it. Like I shared before there is a huge difference of what you are willing to fight through when you enjoy your job.
Ohhh I ran into the store director as he was coming in this morning and I was leaving. He told me my main/big manager told him I am rocking it on nights and I am a great addition to the team. That he is really happy to have me on his team. This made my day 🙂
Music can always save me from anything. When I was being an anxious wreck at work tonight I put on this song and just took a few deep breaths. I slowly started to feel better.
‘Go your way, I’ll take the long way ’round, I’ll find my own way down, As I should, And hold your gaze, There’s coke in the Midas touch, A joke in the way that we rust, And breathe again‘
Hello all my amazing followers and readers!
This is going to be another stereotypical and hopefully not too boring update post type of thing. It won’t hurt my feelings if you breeze through this post or not read it at all, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Haha. xD
Work is always boring, right? So let’s get that o’deal out of the way first. As some of you may already know some of the frustrations I was having with my job and some of you may also know I switched to night shift as of three weeks ago as I mentioned it in a very brief post a few days back or more…I am very relieved to report that I am much happier with my life, routine and work since I have switched to nights. Yes the schedule of 10 pm – 6:30 am is not the most appealing schedule to and doing the same thing pretty much every night may get boring for most peoples, but not for me. Between the social anxiety with customers, the team work and the insane amount of responsibility of my job duties on days I am surprised I lasted over a year doing it. There are a lot more reasons why I made the switch and why I’m a lot happier now than before, but I either can’t discuss it publicly or it is too dramatic to worry about. LOL. Let’s just say doing Grocery Inventory (my last week on days) was the last strike for me. I think part of the reason why I was so calm during inventory regardless of all the bull shit was because I knew that same week (literally after inventory) I was going to nights. Basically what happened was the person I was replacing on nights went back to days that Sunday meaning they were short handed on nights, but Inventory was on a Tuesday of that week and with my experience they couldn’t let me just ditch and go to nights until inventory was done. I did a ton of over time on days because of inventory had two days off (most employees get three days off when switching shifts especially that kind of a change in schedule) but they needed me to start ASAP. The night shift basically works the truck or trucks we get in everyday except for one day a week tbh, well after the replenishment from inventory we were getting massive trucks. So I went from doing 10-12 hour shifts on days to doing similar shifts on night the same week. It was an exhausting and long week to say the least, but once I was on nights I didn’t complain once and was happy to voluntarily stay over as long as needed. Yes it kinda sucks that my clock is entirely upside down going in when everyone else is going to bed or already fast asleep in dream land, but I have always been a night owl anyways. It honestly took me like not even a week to get use to this new schedule and I am not nearly as exhausted than when I was working days physically and mentally. Which is kinda funny because stocking the truck load is much faster paced and more physically demanding than what I was doing on days. It is like being a little more sore and getting more energy out of myself is worth it to not put up with the bull shit I was on days. It is also two tasks every night…stock and then condition (pull everything to the front on the shelves) for the most part. A lot of people complain how boring conditioning is, but I actually like it. It is a nice break at the end of the night before going home and I can just rock out to my tunes. What can I say? I am a pretty boring and basic person. I like knowing what to expect, same plan and makes it so I can work independently for the most part. The management on nights is the best management I have had in all my experience in retail and everyone is not only held to the same standard, but are much more friendlier and all work hard. My entire team wants to get the job done to the best of our ability, have the same drive and passion for the most part. My team now kicks some serious ass! Not to mention nights are much more quieter than it is on days and has done wonders for my anxiety. I rarely get anxiety since I have started working this shift. It is a lot more independent in ways too, even though we work as a team and are organized we still like do our own thing. I can also listen to my music which really helps me therapeutically, helps keep me awake and even motivates me to work harder. I have just been one of those people that works better when listening to music and I can finally use that to my advantage. I think even without any of the frustrations on days I am just generally happier on nights because the kind of person I am. Also with the demand and need to get through trucks etc….I have opportunity to seek full time. I also went from having no sonority in a department where anyone could bump me at any given time or not get hours because my lack of sonority to having one of the highest sonority on nights. I went from 10 hours to 40 plus hours a week and a set schedule which is really important for a routine person like myself and helps me tremendously. As long as I have a set routine I keep my sanity and will work as many hours as needed or as I want. I know it’s just a job, but people actually spend the majority of their time either at work or sleeping, besides vacations and a couple days off work does consume a lot of your life rather people want to admit that or not and I think it’s very important to be somewhat happy with your job. I am in a much better mood in and outside of work now, even my husband and people around me has shared this with me. It may not be a career choice and no I may not stay with this job or at that company forever, but for right now it pays the bills and is making me content.
Even in the best of times and the whole work situation working out for me we got struck by some bad luck as my husband had a really bad abscess/infection from one of his molars. Last week he booked a dentist appointment after complaining about pain in his jaw and even neck. Turns out he ignored an infection for probably a bit too long being the typical stubborn male he is and got a horrendous abscess. Luckily most of our insurance covered the procedure, but the procedure was pretty brutal since after they had to give him a few shots as it was one of his bottom molars (it is easier to numb the upper jaw than it is the bottom for you lucky few that have yet to have tooth problems) cut into his gum and pulled the tooth, they also had to scrape and suck out as much of the infection as they could. Then the surgeon was like since you are probably tired of being on antibiotics for a coople weeks why not have another round cause you know what’s one more week of pills that make you feel nauseous and drowsy. I am happy to report he is in recovery, but has been sleeping a lot as his body can now truly rest as it hasn’t been able to considering it has been fighting a massive infection for weeks, still swollen and in a bit of discomfort. Hoping he will feel better in a few more days so he can stop acting like a baby (you know men when they get sick it is like they are dying. Am I right?!) and he can go back to caring for himself as I have been taking very good care of him, doing most of the chores etc. I’m kidding! I truly want him to feel better soon as I feel really bad for him.
Other than that not much is entirely new in my everyday life. Been eating a lot better and managing my down time more outside of work as I want to be 100% every night I go in and am working on my attendance as it was kind of bad on days for a bit there. However…being happier at work I think will play a huge factor as I am much more willing to fight through stuff like anxiety when I actually like my job. xD Since I have been taking better care of myself I feel much better physically and especially mentally.
My tunes of the week (most come from tunes I listen to quite a bit at work haha)
As much as I have built a life for myself here in the states I am really home sick and hoping to plan a trip to see famiy next summer. My parents I think will be visiting again early next year, but I haven’t seen relatives for a few years and it has been way too long since I have seen my brother and place where I basically grew up.
‘Been a lot of hard days and
Been a lot of long nights and
Even though I love the road
I’m missing home somehow‘
One of my latest tunes on my personal autism playlist
I have been OBSESSED with this song the past few nights
This song gets me super pumped at work
This man’s music will keep me going all night at work. Actually gets me hyper HAHA
‘Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather ’round
That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about
That means I might take a normal thought and think it’s so profound (leave me alone)
Ruminating, fill balloons up full of doubt
Do the same things, if I don’t, I’m overwhelmed
Thoughts are pacing, they go ’round and ’round and ’round’ <—- SO ME
Also my life xD
I am obsessed with this song still and I do sing it at work. I have like my own personal karaoke going on in my aisles LOLLL
Long story I switched to night shift/3rd shift at work for many reasons some I can discuss some I can’t, but it’s a story for another time. 🙂 Sooo over due for a post guys… Anywhooo one of the best things about working night shift aside from it has tremendously decreased my anxiety level is you can rock out to tunes with your earphones. This probably confirms my weirdness, a bit of dark humor and maybe even questionable? or maybe not either way….This song is one of my many played playlists at work and I dance and sing along to it as I am stocking the shelves. (it’s a really hard song to sing btw) HAHA. The night crew I work with (awesome team btw) probably think I am a psycho tbh. One of the most overplayed songs that for some reason I never got tired of…
Ohhh I have also basically memorized (not mastered) Tyler’s dance moves in this video and rock out to this tune as well xD
“It’s hard not to hate. People, things, institutions. When they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed… hate is the only feeling that makes sense. But I know what hate does to a man. Tears him apart. Turns him into something he’s not. Something he promised himself he’d never become.” ❤
"You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last 10 years?…Hundreds! Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely. Because I got tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a sad time-out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see. When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like my past coming around to give me another shot to do this different; better. And now that chance is running back to Chicago."
Omg…I was singing this song out loud on the porch having a smoke, and then had it replay in my head for awhile now, but I had no idea what song it was. Like I know the song obviously, but couldn’t put the exact song or artist to it. It even took me awhile to youtube it cause it came up with different results, probably because I didn’t really know how the lyrics went I just had some of the lines and beat in my head.
‘All of the things that I don’t know
All of the feelings I don’t show
My mind doesn’t know where to go though’
For some reason I confused those lyrics but had that voice singing it stuck in my head. Hahaha Plus I write a lot of poetry and lyrics myself so there are times I will literally just make up the lyrics but it will still like match the song. I dunno, either way had a good laugh when I realized what song it was considering I was just listening to one of his songs this morning and love his music.
Stay tuned/Pre warning sure much more music will be posted today or tomorrow as I am off tomorrow cause that is the kinda mood I am in. ❤