Posted in music, Uncategorized

What/Who Matters Most To You?

Hello all my lovely bloggers and readers!!!

It’s question time guys!

I am hoping to start a conversation or discussion with this post as blogging is not always just about writing, but also being apart of and active in a community. You don’t have to take part obviously, but if you want to join in the fun you can do so by answering in the comment section, writing your own blog post and ping back to this post if you wish or use your imagination in how you want to participate.

What/who matters most to you?

My husband and family mean everything to me and if anything were to happen to any of them, my world would come crashing down. However, I feel this is something that is very obvious and goes without saying so…that is not my answer or what this post is about. 🙂

For me it is, music. In one form or another music has always meant a fucking lot to me and is a huge part of my everyday life. It is not always listening or writing music, but at some point of everyday will revolve around music. I can sit down or lye on my bed and listen to music for hours on end. Listening to music is not only one of my favorite past times, but it is something I will do when I am feeling really over whelmed or going through a really difficult time. I often listen to music in the background rather I am cleaning my room, doing chores, writing or playing a game. It can be background music, but it seems no matter what I am doing it becomes the main focus a lot of the time. It motivates me to be more active and also work faster. It helps keep my focus. A lot of the time I will hum a tune in my head and come up with my own lyrics. Sometimes I will write it down, especially if I like it or feel like I can make something out of it and sometimes I won’t. When I get songs stuck in my head as most of us do, I will sing it on repeat all day. I love to dance, even though I am a horrible dancer. I will spend hours dancing around my room or around the house and have since a child. Even though I am an extremely shy person I will dance in public when I am out with my husband, friends and/or family. I have thousands of songs by different artists and bands on my computer(somewhere around 6000 to be exact), ipod (yes I still use old school shit….almost 5000 on my ipod and that is without adding music to it in years) and I have huge collection of CD’s(I believe I have at least a 50 cd booklet filled to capacity including some slots have double cds as I ran out of room) from my child and teen hood. Unfortunately when I moved to the USA I had to get rid of the cd cases as I didn’t have the room to take them with me. I plan to rebuy all of them on cd or vinyl just so I can have cases for significant purposes. I have playlists on youtube or spotify for every single mood or activity etc. As cheesy or shallow as it may be, when my husband played the guitar and sang for me for the first time it actually helped me fall head over heels for him. It is like my weakness besides sense of humor. I listen and am more evolved with music than most people I know and it is difficult to describe just how much it means to me.

Music has been something that has always been there for me when no one else was. It has been every bit part of my journeys and growing up. It has saved my life multiple times, but it feels like it is more than that. It is my drug, religion and my life. I truly believe I would not be here today if it was not for music and that my life could not exist without it.

So my fellow bloggers and friends…what matters most to you?

Posted in Uncategorized

‘Insert Title And Introduction Here’

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

I need a better introduction for my life and/or update posts, but I don’t so…here is another catch up on my life kind of deal post.

For the most part not much is new in my life in general, but a lot is new when it comes to how I have been feeling, my moods and how I have been feeling physically.

I have been back to work now for a few weeks straight and it feels really great to be back. I have worked some really hard nights including one night where we had four call offs leaving just my main manager, one of my coworkers and myself to do the job on one of our biggest work nights of the week.

Our managers has been so appreciative and thankful to our team these past couple weeks and over coming the challenges has really helped my confidence as I felt really bad about missing so much time. In my absent rather I needed the time off for personal or physical reasons or not, I felt the entire time I was gone I was letting my team down and knew how much they needed me. Getting back to work has also tremendously helped me get back into my routine, which I think really helps when it comes to showing up to all my shifts, and helps my mental focus etc. Although I still get little bouts of anxiety that can slow me down at times because of my social anxiety from dealing with a lot of customers when the store is still open or the nights you know are going to be long, I have been finding it easier to over come. I have become a lot more efficient and faster at work, in fact I have pushed myself beyond capacities I thought I wasn’t capable of. I am also having less anxiety before I go into start my shifts and that has made it easier to show up to work.

Between our lifestyle changes such as eating healthier and working a lot harder at work I am not just feeling better emotionally, but physically as well. This last week I was hardly sore at work, even at the end of the week, unlike before when I was having a ton of issues with my hip, my knees, feet and back etc. I am not sure if I shared this story before, but a few years back I was playing Frisbee with my husband and I went to go jump to catch the Frisbee and when I landed I really hurt my hip. I couldn’t walk at all or hardly put pressure on my left hip without feeling like I was going to collapse. Since then, I have had issues with my left and even right hip sometimes, especially at work. I was surprised that this past week my hip didn’t bother me at all, even slightly. I think I was just really out of shape for a long time and was to stubborn to admit it. That even as physical and active as my job is now, I wasn’t really getting better because I was still eating a bunch of junk and doing nothing outside of work besides sitting on my butt. Since I have started eating healthier, taking a multi vitamin everyday, getting back to work and staying motivated outside of work I have lost a ton of weight in a short span of just a few weeks. I have not only lost it according to the scale, but there is very noticeable weight loss. I look and feel significantly better. I think all of these changes have also tremendously not just helped me physically, but has helped my moods and emotions as well. I feel a lot more happier again than I was and very motivated. I want to spend my spare time going on walks, bike rides or just anything outside and not sit at home complaining about how shitty I feel.

My husband and I have been enjoying each other’s company a lot more as well, as we have not just been going on things like bike rides together, but have plans to go camping this summer and get out a lot more than we have this last year or so. Though we both also like our alone time, we have found a great balance between the two and like I said all these lifestyle changes seem to have kept us from wanting to spend time apart so much. We aren’t fighting hardly ever like we once were for awhile and I am helping a lot more around the house again.

I am still continuing to write, although I have been struggling a bit with it which I think has to do with my anxiety or feeling really off which I will explain in a bit. I am back to listening to music at work every night which I think is really helping me keep my focus and stay motivated. I also continue to use it in my down time and realize how much it is needed for my self therapy. I have many plans I want to continue with this blog, another gaming blog I am recently working on and other projects, but haven’t had much time for any of it in my down time unfortunately. The mental focus I need to just stay on track just with work and in general takes a lot out of me so I have been trying to do other things in my own time that are less mind numbing or doesn’t require so much focus, such as going for peaceful walks or binge watching chick shows…lots and lots of chick shows. Speaking of shows you can check out a review I re-wrote about ’13 Reasons Why’ earlier today ‘here

There is still one thing I still seem to be having difficulties with and that is I seem to have a really hard time between transferring between my work routine and time to myself routine, if that makes any sense. My first day off after working five nights in a row, I always feel really off and can’t seem to relax or settle into do anything. I often spend my first day off sleeping it away because I don’t seem to enjoy anything, I can’t focus on anything and I feel really off. It happens sometimes too in the middle or near the end of my work week. It is probably just my long battle and normal anxiety I will always deal with and nothing to really worry about. It just sucks because sometimes it can effect the down time I need to properly reset. I hate wasting one of my days off sleeping because I should be using that time to work on myself mentally to be ready for another long work week.

Overall though I am doing great and it is not because something tremendously changed in my life or happened to me. I haven’t had any feelings with depression, or my other mental illnesses. I also have had a lot less OCD tendacies and I feel getting back into a normal routine has really helped me be productive again. I am really proud of myself for the weight I have already lost and for the continued weight I plan on continuing to lose. I just feel a lot better physically, mentally and emotionally.

This post was probably very brief and poorly explained….but this is the best I can do for now and like that it was just meant to be a quick check in with my life.

Here are some tunes that help my motivation, my focus and/or I have just enjoyed over the past week or so. 🙂

This song gets me pumped and is very needed with our recent problems in the USA…It actually played randomly on my phone one night at work and I instantly became obsessed with it. I played it on repeat one night (my phone kept playing shit songs and I don’t have much time to fuck around with music…so repeat works sometimes)when we had a couple call offs and a big truck to work and worked/stocked like 80-90 cases an hour I swear…To make it on nights at my work you have to average 70 cases an hour or you are not efficient enough for that shift because the job has to get done every night. They won’t fire you if you can’t, but if a manager cannot get you to be efficient enough you get moved to a different department. Yeah talk about pressure, somehow I pull it off I have no idea how tbh. I love playing random mixes and finding new tunes. ❤

I love these guys and been listening to them a lot lately at work. This music video also shares their journey for the album and the struggles they over came because music is everything. ❤ ❤ ❤

Another great tune from ‘I Prevail’

Yes it’s the same band…I sing this song at work tbh. ❤ It was funny one night I was listening to it allowed on my phone and not my earphones and our manager played it over the main store speakers with his work phone. Yeah we have fun on nights…Everyone thought it was another coworker that listens to similar music. Was hilarious. Our manager does it all the time btw…like the night he played the baby shark song over the speakers and I was like great now I can say I officially heard this annoying ass song because before I only heard people sing it. I am going to miss being closed over night and going back to 24 hours….

Another song he has played over the speakers off my phone. I think our manager secretly likes our music tbh. Anything is an improvement to the crap they play normally at work over the speakers tbh.

Posted in Uncategorized

This is probably one of my most honest and vulnerable posts ever, but I don’t give a fuck. :)

I’m gonna make a drink and talk about feelings, since I am being a temporary alcoholic in quarantine. Except I am not really, for a person who has a really difficult time discussing things like my emotions and am a really closed off person I am hoping the alcohol can inspire me to let go because this is way over do and this needs to be done. I owe it to my followers who have followed and supported me on my blogging journey so far, but more importantly I owe it to myself.

Okay now that my drink is made and my earphones are in so I cannot be disturbed by anything I can just start letting it all out through the comfort of my keyboard. By letting it all out, I mean there is no visual, certain purpose or any form of organization for this post. This is probably more for me more than anyone or anything else, I just felt I could bring you all along for the ride as it explains why I have been hiding from my blog, lack of consistency and so on. Though I have explained some of it briefly, it is not the entire story and I didn’t fully explain anything. I am sharing this ramble/update because I am ready to move on with my fucking life and I’m tired of all these feels.

My lack of consistency on my blog and not writing anything at all recently in general including in my own journal is just a minor thing from how much I have actually been struggling mentally and in my life.

My attendance at work has been not the best, though I was showing up to most of my shifts, but at times I feared getting fired it was so bad and meeting reports etc. There was times I didn’t care if I got fired even if it meant I would be homeless. When I was at work I never felt I was the most productive, didn’t really care about rather the job got done or not, I put earphones in, faked a smile and did the minimum to keep my managers off my back. I got so sick of the over time and I blew up about it a few times. I questioned fighting for this position at work, one I really wanted and begged for pretty much.

At home was even worse. I stopped doing chores all together outside of laundry and emptying the dish washer once n awhile. I struggled making a simple sandwich for my husband. I couldn’t communicate anything and when I tried we just ended up fighting. I became an awful wife. That is the truth, don’t try to argue this in the comment section. When I chose to get married, I made vows and promises. It is my responsibility to hold up my end of the bargain no matter what. It was not fair to him. My husband also has mental health problems and other stuff going on and unfortunely it also took it’s toll in the same months I was going through shit. There were times our fights got so bad a lot of uneeded thoughts occurred, including me going back to Canada, divorce etc even though our love and feelings never changed.

This is a common coping mechanism (though not a good one) I tend to turn to when I am really overwhelmed, depressed or just in a bad place. For months now I have been extremely irritated, especially socially and I feel like I cannot get enough time for myself to fully recuperate. Our apartment is honestly too small and I feel like I can’t do anything for more than 5 minutes without getting distracted by someone or something. It’s so hard to tell your husband to just STFU for 5 minutes politely. Especially when I have such a hard time explaining how I feel, what I am going through, what I need and why. So my awesome coping mechanisms instead is to just react before thinking. I blow up on things or people when I should just be explaining how I am feeling and what I need. When I am overwhelmed I don’t care how much of a bitch I am, or who’s feelings I hurt as long as I am left alone with my own thoughts. Those thoughts turn to negative later when I regret how I responded or reacted. To this day I still have a difficult time fully explaining my experiences, how I feel and things like my autism to my husband. I have shared most of personal demons, what triggers me, my needs and so on to the best of my ability and he most certainly knows me more than anyone in my life, but I have never completely opened up to anyone. Not because I don’t want to, I honestly struggle so hard to do so, no matter how bad I may want to. So yes, so many things get lost in any social situation I am pretty much involved in. I am a social disaster, always have been and always will be. I have accepted this.

The past few months I have just been basically just existing, but not living. I have been failing most responsibilities in my life, even the most basic ones. I have been hiding out for the past few months, fighting depression, my most annoying autism traits, and other mental health problems I have batteled my whole life.

So it is to no surprise I was in no shape or form to write and keep up with my blog. There were times I was honestly afraid to post anything in fear I was such an angry, hateful, depressed being that I would post or share something I regret.

I was so overwhelmed and my anxiety was running at extreme highs that it was really difficult for me to focus on something as organized as writing. This was really difficult because one of my many passions and self therapies is writing.

In short, I put my life on hold and stopped enjoying it or doing things I enjoyed. I almost lost myself to a very dark place.

WTF is a paragraph? Jeez, I need to edit this when I am done…but that is all I am doing before I post this is half ass sentence structure.

Anywhooo….Yes I have been in a dark place this passed few months or so and I have never really opened up completely to my blog that is about mental health. It is not because I am ashamed for having emotions, for having these demons or care what anyone thinks (cause I don’t) it is honestly because it is nearly impossible for me to explain my emotions and to also understand them at times. People often mistake me as either a happy, easy going individual or in some cases emotionless piece of crap when in reality I am overwhelmed by emotions all the time. So much I become overwhelmed by them and I cannot explain them or at times deal with them properly.

However, I have took this last two weeks of self quarantine to really work on myself and my mental health. I have taken time for things I am truly passionate about, a lot of self therapy and spoiled myself. I am ready to go back to work and face it head on. I want my managers to be able to count on me again. I am back to truly learning how to love who I am and enjoy my own company. I am back to communicating in the best way I can with my husband because he is my best friend and love of my life. I never once thought our marriage or our relationship was a mistake. There is no excuse if his or my feelings get hurt. All you can do is apologize and work harder to make it work and consider all feelings. I can’t change who I am, and I cannot take back things I may have dealt with horribly, but I can give my 100% to do better next time and in the future. I am back to writing in my personal journal as writing out my emotions and thoughts have always helped me understand them better and deal with them. I am back to enjoying music and taking time for it, one of my main self therapies. I am ready to get professional help again because I have never been good with managing my life full time. I am ready to get back to being more consistent with my blog posts. Most importantly I feel like I am getting back to my somewhat sane self again and I am ready to enjoy life again. I am so done with worrying about rather my posts are getting views or not. I am so tired of caring what people think. I don’t give a fuck if this blog becomes a flunk, I am not here for views or some pipe dream of being a famous blogger. I am here because I love to write and the supporting community of wordpress, that’s it. Seriously guys don’t ever change.

This is my return to the blogging world and man did I miss it in my hibernation.

I apologize for the long vent, and the poor structure of this post. I am sorry that this is way overdo. I appreciate my followers and readers so much and your comments, thoughts etc make my day. 🙂 This post will not be edited or subject to change in the future because I think in away this needed to be done and if I start over thinking it or editing it I will change half of the shit I share or just delete it all together. ~ My Authentic Mind

As usual here are some songs from my autism/life playlist I am working on

Posted in Uncategorized


Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

Long time no post. 😉

I want to apologize to all my followers for being MIA the past few months and from time to time even longer than that. I really want to get back to blogging as I miss writing and the wordpress community, but I still seem to not be in the right place mentally for it. I seem to be having a difficult time writing this and this is just a random update post. Although some of it may be because I haven’t really been writing much of anything and a little out of practice you could say, it is also for a few other reasons. I have been really bad off mentally as in my brain feels like a scrambled mess, very unorganized and lack of concentration for some time now, but more on that later. I also have massive OCD problems and The Sims 4 has been my latest OCD trend you could say, meaning I spend every waking minute that I am not at work or doing errands I am glued to my computer playing the game. Also before recently I was still working insane amount of hours and it took a lot of personal time to return to sanity. I have also not been writing the past month or so because I am so worried I am going to blow up on society because this whole COVID thing just reminded me how much I hate humanity. However, I won’t be discussing any of the such so no need to panic or come at me… Teehee.

So what’s new in my life?

Honestly not a whole lot. The hubby and I have caught up on all our bills and it is very likely we will be house shopping early spring of next year. I am so excited to get out of the apartment system because all the noise drives my noise sensitivity nuts. I literally feel like murdering people every day I am stuck here. (Especially the ignorant slobs that live above us. Sorry not sorry) Not only have we kept up on bills and been able to stay ahead, we have had personal spending money for ourselves which has been a a treat as we normally live pay check to pay check. Between working through last holiday, the COVID panic, tax return and the stimulus check money for once in our lives has helped us tremendously instead of stressing us out. (side note: I just accidentally erased all my text/writing up until now cause I’m a wreck tbh. I managed to recover it though…Mini panic attack over.)

We had a bit of a scare when I went into work on the 9th of this month and I failed the health screening we now have to do before every shift at work and was sent home with a bit of a sore throat and a cough. Cause I totally had COVID guys. These mother effers told me to stay home for 7 days with no pay, but I would not get penalized for it. Okay…A. I CANNOT afford to sit on my ass for 7 days as nice as that sounds I just can’t and B. Where the fuck is all this care and worry when we normally get sick with say the flu outside of COVID panic? Normally we get yelled at for calling in sick even if we are dying and have to follow some ridiculous system. It took having pandemic for companies to actually care for the well being of their employees. Anywhoo….Not knowing what to do I did end up getting in touch with a COVID hotline, health professionals and a bunch of other peoples and was suggested by a doctor to self quarantine (as well as my husband) for 14 days as a precaution giving the circumstances. Thankfully we did get paid continuation because it came from a doctor and was not our fault and will be paid for our time off. I am not sure if I had COVID as tests are limited and the only place that I could of got tested was in one of the hot spots for this shit. Thanks, but no thanks. If I didn’t have it, I more than likely would have got it after getting tested in a hot spot and I figured save the tests for people who need it and will be at risk if they get corona-virus or COVID. I did however feel like complete ass for like 5 days or so. What was really strange was I never got a fever unless maybe a low grade fever, but I felt like I had everything but the fever. I did get the body aches/pain, the chills, tightness in my chest, dry cough and a bunch of other crappy stuff. I just felt really icky. Lol. I didn’t die though so woot! However, as nice as it has been to be off for a couple weeks as I know I needed a much needed a break considering I have been burned out since the holidays and it is nice to be away from work in our current situation, it has really thrown me off my routine. My routine is very important to me and it is one of the few things that keeps my sanity, so when I am thrown off of it causes all sorts of issues and think why I haven’t been feeling myself and very blah. Also probably part of the reason why I haven’t written anything lately or posted sooner.

I mainly relaxed and played a lot of The Sims 4 in my off time, so much I broke my 10 year old laptop. Haha. The laptop was already a dying thing, but like I managed to get it to where it was shutting completely off without warning because the fan was over heating so much. Giving it was at least 10 years old and we had the extra cash from the stimulus check that we were not even counting on, I was able to buy a new laptop. It took quite a bit of research to find one giving the fact I know nothing about computers and I wanted one both for writing, other tools and could play The Sims 4 at least decently. I also didn’t want all the latest greatest technologies that electronics offer now adays such as a touch screen, and even had to buy a wireless mouse because I couldn’t stand the touch pad on this laptop. Was also difficult finding some in stock giving the whole pandemic and everyone is on lock down. I ended up finding a pretty beast one I think. It may not play The Sims 4 on as high graphics and not other games I may want to try as I would like giving it has no dedicated graphics card, but I am not one for little details. My old laptop didn’t have a graphics card doesn’t have half the crap this laptop does (As good as a processor, SSD card etc) and it played The Sims 4 as well as some other small games for ages. That laptop only crapped out from long period of use and the fact I didn’t take care of it all. My mindset is very different with this new baby. Yes, I have set rules for my new laptop including no drinks around my laptop, do all the updates when needed, research things before just installing and deleting stuff etc, do NOT ever leave it lying on the carpet. Actually so far I have only used it on the dining table we never eat at and am looking into buying a desk when I can afford the one I really want instead of buying a cheap one just to have one. In the mean time my husband has giving me the permission (Not that I need it) to turn the dining table into my own personal desk. That way I can also set up my new printer I have had for like two years but could never get it properly installed on my old laptop because it was old and because I effed up that laptop beyond repair. Lol. The printer is something we both really need and will make good use out of. I am sure my husband’s step mom will be happy to hear we can finally use it as it was a gift from her for my birthday. Eventually a desktop would be most ideal for what I really want, we don’t really have the room or that kind of money to currently splurge as we really want a house by next year that it is something we can wait on. Like that I think I got a really good deal for a really great laptop that does the majority of the things I need it for. (I only spent like $500 plus tax) Since this laptop is great for things like handling office tools and other stuff it will inspire me to get back to one of my passions, writing. I am really pumped about it guys…can you tell? 🙂

I am feeling a little bit better mentally, but I was down and out for a long time. There was a lot of stress going on in my personal life, and just because of the person I am I was really over whelmed with a lot of crap. I think there was a period where both my husband and I were dealing with mental health stuffs, including depression. However, I feel like I have came out of it for the most part and as long as I can reset my sleep schedule before I return to work on the 23rd, as it is super wrack since I have been off, I will be back to my regular schedule and it should help my sanity. I still feel really blah, like this morning when I woke up it took me a long time to get going and feel like doing anything including relaxing cause I just felt really off. So much I went back to bed for a couple hours, but am back to feeling refreshed now that I took a nap and a shower.

I really hope to get back to sharing experiences and writing about things like autism, mental health and awareness as I think it is something that is truly needed and important. I am not abandoning this blog just yet so please sit tight and I am returning to the community. 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Normally I would share music, but honeslty I haven’t spent much time listening to anything (probably part of the reason why I am feeling blah lol. I know what I will be doing in my last few days off.) Oh well…next time! Or I tend to stop in randomly and share a song or two.

This post was not edited what so ever and I know it is filled with grammar errors, poor sentence structure and a scrambled mess, but I honestly tried to edit it with little luck. I apologize, but no it will not be edited beyond what it already is. ~ My Authentic Mind

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Some people get wasted and party…I get wasted, clean and listen to music way before her time. :)

Still working an insane amount of hours and trying to keep my sanity. However, it makes a huge difference when you like your job and your bank account likes the monies. Surprisingly working six nights and 9-10 hour shifts every night has yet to drive me completely insane or into complete shut down. After a six night week my two days off was just what I needed. I slept for like 12 hours on and off (not at once) since I got off work yesterday morning. lol. Although I bought a new expansion pack for the sims 4 and had plans to binge it on my days off this week, I didn’t really care much to as much as I thought I would. There is something just nice about being able to just get some rest whenever you want with no alarm to wake up too. I have played the sims and listened to some music to get some me time in, but really these couple days off are pretty much just to destress from the work environment and not be like go go go all the time. The husband and I decided to take some of our money that we have made over the holidays so far with all the over time and bought much needed things for the house. Well the shot glasses and wine glasses weren’t so much needed right away, neither was the wine or Jack Daniels, but you knowwww…the other stuff was. xD I figured this way when we get a house or trailer etc we have a mini start collection to a mini bar or what have you. Now I don’t normally drink if you all are thinking I am some alcoholic that drinks every night/day (me being on the night shift now) I don’t. Lmao. I hardly drink on my days off. I still think it is nice to have those kind of stuffs so when we do rarely drink or have company over. (not that I hang out with people cause you know people suck) either way you get the point. 😛 When we got back from wal mart the hubby and I took a shot and while he played on the xbox I started cleaning the kitchen and reorganizing so we can have room for the stuff we bought, especially the new 16 piece glass set we purchased along with the other alcoholic related ware. I am already super buzzed and it is not even 2:30 pm yet, but that is how it goes when you work nights and your schedule is opposite than most of society. I am actually normally already in bed by now. I am such a rebel. ;o I am kinda bored so I thought I would share some boring pictures tbh with you all from my afternoon so far and some music I was listening to as I was cleaning since I just sat down to relax.

This was taken when we were like 3 shots in I think. (yup when I drink I go all out. I am doing shots, not even mixed drinks at least yet…I figure when I drink like maybe once every few months why not get plastered.)


My backwards ass schedule…most people probably don’t drink at like lunch time, at least shots of hard liquor…or maybe they do???


A very blurry and crap lighting picture of some of my reorganizing of my kitchen and all the new drink ware we got.


I jammed out to many classic rock and roll songs aka music way before my time while I organized and clean. I always share music so of course I will share some of my listenings…

I fucking love this song ❤ ❤ ❤

From one of the best albums of all time no argument. Fight me.

Another song from one of the best albums hands down. One of my favorite songs of all time personally as well. (tons of memories to this album…good and bad. xD) If you feel nothing from music or this album then I feel sorry for you cause this is pure ecstasy.

I am obsessed with this song and always will be

I saw John Fogerty in concert as my high school grad present from my parents and it will always be one of the best moments of my life. ❤

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Do updates really need a title tbh? No, okay moving on

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

It’s our first snow storm for this time of year and I didn’t miss it or the cold at all. I am enjoying a hot cup of tea and listening to music bundled up inside. xD

I am still working an insane amount of hours as I mentioned before and also will be doing a sixth night this week. Having more sonority in your department is finally paying off it seems. There is so many reasons why it was right for me to switch departments at work. 😛 I am however becoming a lot more irritable and I am completely mentally burned out. I almost had a mental breakdown at work last night and had to escape for like 5 mins. I however did fight through it and came back. The thing is I am still really happy with it and I take a lot of pride in myself for being able to do my best every night. My team lead tonight was even like okay guys we have 21 minutes to work this aisle (one of the aisles that get the most product every night tbh) and I am going to join you…I was like psht dude you’re dreaming, not gonna happen. We did it with 3 minutes to spare and my team lead was like you guys kick some serious butt. I was like woot breaking records tonight! It is little things like that are so different and makes us feel accomplished and great about our hard work. It really helps push me when I need it and it is worth fighting through anxiety. We have definitely caught up on a lot of bills are able to pretty much eat whatever we want each week (unlike before when there was weeks we were living off of ramen, mac and cheese etc) and buy some things when we want for the house or things we need. It is a huge relief not to be stressed financially or as much anymore. If you guys recall I wrote a post a few months ago or whatever where we were super poor and I was in a pretty shitty place mentally. I also think it helps I am way less frustrated at work or about my job.

My diet continues to be uber healthy and I feel so much better. I am literally feeling and seeing a huge difference from when I didn’t eat so healthy. This is my last week for any kind of meat or other animal bi-products etc. Even then it has been very minimal like the other night was my last meal containing chicken. Besides parmesan cheese here and there and very little meat, my entire diet this week has been basically vegan. I tried unsweetened almond milk too and I surprisingly liked it. I didn’t think I would, like I was legitimate iffy with trying it. Haha. I want to try other kinds too like soy milk etc. Especially see what works best with certain things like cereal, tea etc. I think giving up dairy milk for my husband and I is a really great choice since he is lactose intolerant anyways. It is not some coincidence many people are lactose intolerant especially kids…cows milk is meant for baby cows not humans mmmkay. 😛 I will still miss it though. (I love milk in my tea and it will take me awhile to get use to other choices or none at all but I already have converted tbh) So yes so far I am successfully following my new dietry choices including slowly completly changing my diet. I actually think it is going faster than I thought it would.

As I mentioned it was a snow storm, cold and listening to music I also just took a bath while having this concert playing on my phone. I absolutely love this band and sometimes think I was born in the wrong generation for music. 😛

This song reminds me sometimes of myself and my autism etc…it will feature on this autism playlist I am still actually going to be putting together and will share here I am sure. 😛 One of my all time favorite vocalists too RIP ❤

This song literally sends chills down my spine every time. I cannot explain it. Like there is not enough words to describe what his voice does to me or the emotion in this song.

I had this song stuck in my head because I was listening to the album version of it last night at work cause I am currently OCDing over this band right now as you can see

Ohh and they make me super proud to be Canadian and I don't even care for country pride if I am being honest so that says something. Love this style of music or not you;d be an ignorant fool to deny the talent of these guys. xD

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Really crappy/unorganized update and more simmies…

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

My anxiety has been running at an all time high and I’m either very drained or hyperactive, so sorry I haven’t been posting much. I want to get back into posting more, but have been so busy with work and everyday life it unfortunately leaves little time for writing. It takes every bit of down time I am getting to relax and to push forward to continue showing up to work and take care of myself. My anxiety also causes my thoughts and mind to race in a speed I can’t seem to catch up with or control that it makes it really hard to hold onto a thought, never mind write. So for now we are stuck with this mini update post. Haha.

Besides my usual anxiety and other struggles I am actually doing alright. As mentioned I am going to work every night and working anywhere between 8 1/2 hour to 10 hour shifts. My anxiety and mental health is complaining, but my bank account is not. xD I actually can’t remember the last time I got out of work on time and with the holidays approaching it doesn’t look like it will calm down anytime soon. I figured if I work hard while the hours are there and save a bit I can worry about taking it easy later on as hours always flux-orate in retail and you gotta make money when it’s there. Regardless of having few minor break downs and struggling through some anxiety, it actually feels really good to be productive at work and in my everyday life. Like even through some of my mental health struggles, I’m happy. I have come so far in my life and have changed a lot that it is still paying off and I have broke myself out of another depression cycle.

I have not just managed to uphold full time hours, my other duties at home I am also making drastic changes in my life. Ones I should have made a lot sooner, but it’s never too late. I have started to exercise more and be more energetic outside of just my physical job, I am making drastic changes in my diet and working on smoking a lot less in hopes to maybe even quit if I can stop being weak. lol. I think my diet has probably been the most extreme change as I am going to go completely vegan. I say going to be because with that strict of a diet change it doesn’t happen over night. It takes a lot of research and dedication. I want to be completely ready before I make such a drastic change. I have started to slowly cut out meat (red meat entirely) and absolutely no more junk. I am not worried about cutting out meat as I basically only ate it because it was served to me growing up, but I wouldn’t say I really ever crave it or miss it when I am not eating it. In fact my biggest challenge will probably be to give up dairy products as I love cheese, milk, eggs…chocolate is even dairy ffs. LOL. However, I really want to do this. I have been wanting to go vegan for a few years now, but was always too weak to do that strict of a diet change and my husband would always laugh when I shared this belief. That was until we did some serious research and watching a bunch of documentaries to discover many people are thriving off a vegan diet, some even more so than those who are not including some of the top athletes in the world. However, I would argue no matter what diet you choose even the most balanced diet, anything can be dangerous if you are not careful enough about where you are choosing to get your food from and what you are putting into your body (including veggies, meats etc from your supermarket) I find people get so hung up on what is the healthiest diet that we are actually not questioning anything else. Most people don’t know or care to know what process your food took to get from where it came from to your plate. There is a huge difference between going out and hunting your food or growing your own garden then ignorantly just picking up food from your closest supermarket because it is convenient. ‘Blah blah, our ancestors ate meat so we’re meant to eat it you pussy ass vegans and vegetarians’ although there is now research and evidence to even prove that theory wrong let’s just consider this statement for a moment. That even if that was the case, our ancestors went out and hunted or gathered their own food. So unless you are some expert hunter I don’t have time for your senseless dribble tbh. (sorry I am going off topic, I am sure with me going vegan you will see many more posts relating to such things later on lol) I am not just going vegan for the health benefits I am also doing it for the welfare of animals because I love them more than humans tbh. I have seen far too many documentaries and videos on meat farms and animal cruelty that I cannot go one more minute ignoring or pretending it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach just so I can shovel food down my throat. Truth is with the advances of food and all the research available now on foods or diets, there is no reason you can’t be a health vegan. Again is it really anymore unhealthy than most of the diets out there? It’s easy to go vegan, it’s hard to be a healthy vegan but I know I can do it. I will of course make sure to regularly see my doctor and maybe even get a dietitian or whatever because I am not ignorant enough to believe you can live off of veggies, fruits and carbs alone. You have to be really careful of how to get all the nutrients we need to be healthy and having an advisory will help especially since I have ignored my health for long enough. If I am doing this for health benefits it would be stupid to go into it blindly. If I am going vegan for more than just the health benefits, environment benefits, but also for animal rights than I need to still do some serious research on what foods and drinks are vegan or not because you’d be surprised the shit I have found and never thought it had any animal by products in it. So yes I am going completely vegan, but just need to do a bit more research and search up tons more of recipes before I completely throw everything out in our cupboards or fridge and do a complete food overhaul. I am actually excited for this change. As for those who (not you guys…I mean population in general) who think I may be doing it to be trendy or jump on the vegan band wagon I don’t see this change as trendy. It makes me fucking sick that people think animal cruetly is just something to be taken lightly, that it is seen as weak or trendy to want to choose a better diet. It is literally just ignoring the fact we shovel down hormones and other crap and abuse animals in any means necessary so you can enjoy a nice cheeseburger. Like I’m weak because that stuff sickens me??? Okay what if it was humans we were talking about? Is it trendy not to be cannibalistic tbh? lol. It is almost like they are defending their ignorancy because they know deep down it’s wrong and we are some of the few species on this earth that actually don’t have to consume living beings to survive, especially with our advances. I am sorry unless you go out and hunt your own meat I will equally call you a pussy. 😉 Anywhooo…those kinda arguments are better off for another time, just thought I’d share as I think this will be a drastic change in my life, but a good one. If anyone who is reading this is vegan, or you are not and know great vegan recipes I should try feel free to share them in the comment section. Right now I could use any resource possible.

So yeah…I think making positive changes like these ones I mentioned will really benefit not just my physical health that I have been so damn worried about, but my mental health as well.

My husband has also had a rough month or so as he went from a huge tooth infection to blowing out his right shoulder and now has tendinitis and some other crap going on. There is obvious stress that comes with that and I am really worried about it. I am however not really in a state to talk much about it, but he is slowly on the mend. I will keep you guys posted on his health as well.

Well that is about all that is new with me. I have made a couple more Sims 4 videos on youtube since I last posted and I am really enjoying doing these kind of videos in my spare time, even if no one watches them. Haha. For real though I have no where else to currently share them right now as I am still on my social media hibernation (as in besides email, youtube and blogging I have no connection to social media and I am not ready to get back into it or know if I ever will be as I am so much happier without it) so I would like to share them here (although will be reopening my gamer blog I think here on wordpress) I would appreciate the views, but no pressure! Only if you are interested tbh, lol Been trying to put more work into this so it is another reason for my hiatus from here.

My youtube gamer channel:

My first Sims 4 Create A Sim video with a mini background story

I posted this speed build to youtube yesterday 😃

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‘The monster inside my head is ruthless…’ Life Update and stuffs (unedited)

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

This is going to be another stereotypical and hopefully not too boring update post type of thing. It won’t hurt my feelings if you breeze through this post or not read it at all, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Haha. xD

Work is always boring, right? So let’s get that o’deal out of the way first. As some of you may already know some of the frustrations I was having with my job and some of you may also know I switched to night shift as of three weeks ago as I mentioned it in a very brief post a few days back or more…I am very relieved to report that I am much happier with my life, routine and work since I have switched to nights. Yes the schedule of 10 pm – 6:30 am is not the most appealing schedule to and doing the same thing pretty much every night may get boring for most peoples, but not for me. Between the social anxiety with customers, the team work and the insane amount of responsibility of my job duties on days I am surprised I lasted over a year doing it. There are a lot more reasons why I made the switch and why I’m a lot happier now than before, but I either can’t discuss it publicly or it is too dramatic to worry about. LOL. Let’s just say doing Grocery Inventory (my last week on days) was the last strike for me. I think part of the reason why I was so calm during inventory regardless of all the bull shit was because I knew that same week (literally after inventory) I was going to nights. Basically what happened was the person I was replacing on nights went back to days that Sunday meaning they were short handed on nights, but Inventory was on a Tuesday of that week and with my experience they couldn’t let me just ditch and go to nights until inventory was done. I did a ton of over time on days because of inventory had two days off (most employees get three days off when switching shifts especially that kind of a change in schedule) but they needed me to start ASAP. The night shift basically works the truck or trucks we get in everyday except for one day a week tbh, well after the replenishment from inventory we were getting massive trucks. So I went from doing 10-12 hour shifts on days to doing similar shifts on night the same week. It was an exhausting and long week to say the least, but once I was on nights I didn’t complain once and was happy to voluntarily stay over as long as needed. Yes it kinda sucks that my clock is entirely upside down going in when everyone else is going to bed or already fast asleep in dream land, but I have always been a night owl anyways. It honestly took me like not even a week to get use to this new schedule and I am not nearly as exhausted than when I was working days physically and mentally. Which is kinda funny because stocking the truck load is much faster paced and more physically demanding than what I was doing on days. It is like being a little more sore and getting more energy out of myself is worth it to not put up with the bull shit I was on days. It is also two tasks every night…stock and then condition (pull everything to the front on the shelves) for the most part. A lot of people complain how boring conditioning is, but I actually like it. It is a nice break at the end of the night before going home and I can just rock out to my tunes. What can I say? I am a pretty boring and basic person. I like knowing what to expect, same plan and makes it so I can work independently for the most part. The management on nights is the best management I have had in all my experience in retail and everyone is not only held to the same standard, but are much more friendlier and all work hard. My entire team wants to get the job done to the best of our ability, have the same drive and passion for the most part. My team now kicks some serious ass! Not to mention nights are much more quieter than it is on days and has done wonders for my anxiety. I rarely get anxiety since I have started working this shift. It is a lot more independent in ways too, even though we work as a team and are organized we still like do our own thing. I can also listen to my music which really helps me therapeutically, helps keep me awake and even motivates me to work harder. I have just been one of those people that works better when listening to music and I can finally use that to my advantage. I think even without any of the frustrations on days I am just generally happier on nights because the kind of person I am. Also with the demand and need to get through trucks etc….I have opportunity to seek full time. I also went from having no sonority in a department where anyone could bump me at any given time or not get hours because my lack of sonority to having one of the highest sonority on nights. I went from 10 hours to 40 plus hours a week and a set schedule which is really important for a routine person like myself and helps me tremendously. As long as I have a set routine I keep my sanity and will work as many hours as needed or as I want. I know it’s just a job, but people actually spend the majority of their time either at work or sleeping, besides vacations and a couple days off work does consume a lot of your life rather people want to admit that or not and I think it’s very important to be somewhat happy with your job. I am in a much better mood in and outside of work now, even my husband and people around me has shared this with me. It may not be a career choice and no I may not stay with this job or at that company forever, but for right now it pays the bills and is making me content.

Even in the best of times and the whole work situation working out for me we got struck by some bad luck as my husband had a really bad abscess/infection from one of his molars. Last week he booked a dentist appointment after complaining about pain in his jaw and even neck. Turns out he ignored an infection for probably a bit too long being the typical stubborn male he is and got a horrendous abscess. Luckily most of our insurance covered the procedure, but the procedure was pretty brutal since after they had to give him a few shots as it was one of his bottom molars (it is easier to numb the upper jaw than it is the bottom for you lucky few that have yet to have tooth problems) cut into his gum and pulled the tooth, they also had to scrape and suck out as much of the infection as they could. Then the surgeon was like since you are probably tired of being on antibiotics for a coople weeks why not have another round cause you know what’s one more week of pills that make you feel nauseous and drowsy. I am happy to report he is in recovery, but has been sleeping a lot as his body can now truly rest as it hasn’t been able to considering it has been fighting a massive infection for weeks, still swollen and in a bit of discomfort. Hoping he will feel better in a few more days so he can stop acting like a baby (you know men when they get sick it is like they are dying. Am I right?!) and he can go back to caring for himself as I have been taking very good care of him, doing most of the chores etc. I’m kidding! I truly want him to feel better soon as I feel really bad for him.

Other than that not much is entirely new in my everyday life. Been eating a lot better and managing my down time more outside of work as I want to be 100% every night I go in and am working on my attendance as it was kind of bad on days for a bit there. However…being happier at work I think will play a huge factor as I am much more willing to fight through stuff like anxiety when I actually like my job. xD Since I have been taking better care of myself I feel much better physically and especially mentally.

My tunes of the week (most come from tunes I listen to quite a bit at work haha)

As much as I have built a life for myself here in the states I am really home sick and hoping to plan a trip to see famiy next summer. My parents I think will be visiting again early next year, but I haven’t seen relatives for a few years and it has been way too long since I have seen my brother and place where I basically grew up.

Been a lot of hard days and
Been a lot of long nights and
Even though I love the road
I’m missing home somehow

One of my latest tunes on my personal autism playlist

I have been OBSESSED with this song the past few nights

This song gets me super pumped at work

This man’s music will keep me going all night at work. Actually gets me hyper HAHA

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather ’round
That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about
That means I might take a normal thought and think it’s so profound (leave me alone)
Ruminating, fill balloons up full of doubt
Do the same things, if I don’t, I’m overwhelmed
Thoughts are pacing, they go ’round and ’round and ’round’ <—- SO ME

Also my life xD

I am obsessed with this song still and I do sing it at work. I have like my own personal karaoke going on in my aisles LOLLL

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‘Hold up my balloons and cover up my face I can feel them weighing on me every day’

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

Warning: Not only is this going to be a lengthly rant, but talks of depression, anxiety and other mental health related things. Also may be moments of cursing and dark related topics. This is going to be unedited, very honest and open. If you are in a bad place and easily triggered or don’t want to read it, simply don’t. Okay thanks. 😃

I am currently drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside, which is very suiting. I kinda had to laugh out loud when the rain started pouring down when I started writing this. Is that too dramatic? xD

Okay moving on…

As some of you may already know from previous posts I am in a pretty bad place right now and have been for quite awhile now. The stresses at work, with trying to go in everyday no matter how burned out I may be, the difficulties I have in my everyday personal life, depression, anxiety and episodes of completely shutting down continue. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was somewhat okay or could deal with certain things better than I am right now. My body and mind is screaming for a break or some time to just regroup. Sometimes it doesn’t help I don’t always exactly know how to solve my own things like anxiety, avoiding mental break downs or shutdowns. I probably need therapy, but I haven’t even had the energy to look into it. As mentioned before, I have a really hard time talking about a lot of these things especially being on the Autism spectrum because 95% of the time it is met with generic negative responses like ‘you don’t look like you have autism,’ ‘you look fine to me,’ ‘oh it is just social anxiety, get over it’ or some other ignorant comment. Cause you know Autism is just social related, and only has one look, right? *rolls eyes* It’s hard enough being away from everything I know and everyone I love since I have moved to the states, that as much as talking to my husband helps he has his own struggles too and can’t always be his 100% supportive husband even when he tries. I feel very alone, especially when it comes to things like my autism.

There has been a lot of stress at work in just my everyday work and also other related problems that I cannot discuss publicly but it has been really defeating and crippling. It has not helped my last attempts at trying not to be an insecure wreck, ball of anxiety or want to continue fighting. Yet I feel stuck at this job and something in me that even if I wasn’t stuck, I don’t want to give up. It’s maddening that if people only knew my struggles or actually saw truly how hard I am trying and what I swallow everyday that maybe there could be better resolve to certain situations. Instead they only see a glimpse of it and are judging from the outside. My attendance has not been the best, but if they only knew I am fighting anxiety every single day and forcing myself to go in. So some days I am completely exhausted and out of energy to even leave my bed, never mind go in. My attendance was getting back up there and I hadn’t missed time in 3 months and then I was having stomach problems I missed a couple days. My stomach problems have been getting so bad I actually am looking into booking an appointment to ask how much testing will costs etc and then try to figure out a budget to get them done. Don’t think stressing about my health helps. I may or not be switching shifts. Long story short, I am trying and really would like to go to night shifts because I think it could really help my anxiety as the job on nights is basically one task and less people. It may be a faster pace, but you deal with less customers, less managers and everyone is too busy actually working to deal with or cause drama. The managers on nights also allow employees to listen to music with earphones or headphones and I have always worked better or done anything better while listening to music as it really helps things like my anxiety and becoming too overwhelmed. It helps me shut out the outside world a bit and just buckle down and work. I think it would tremendously help my anxiety, my attendance and other things I have been struggling with on days. I am waiting to hear about it and can’t talk about much besides that, but will keep you posted.

My anxiety has been so bad in and outside of work that I am not doing 100% at anything in my life currently. I am just doing everything as if nothing is wrong or rushing things so I can take down time without realizing the consequences of half assing things and stressing out later. Sometimes I just plainly forget to do things that are important all together. My functioning when I am faking it is OKAY at BEST, or maybe not even okay. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for those around me or have to deal with it and it makes me feel like complete shit. I feel frozen or numb all the time, especially to the outside world. I have been very introverted as well. I sacrifice a lot by going to work everyday including time spent with my husband because I need a great deal of down time to take care of myself. The only problem is lately no matter how much time I take for myself it really isn’t doing anything or changing how I feel.

I am depressed. I was doing okay for a long time and it has been quite sometime since I have had episodes or cycles of depression, but it is something I will always deal with and have in my life. It is not so much suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of just completely giving up on everything. In little arguments with my husband (cause you know married couples have those especially when you live with someone on the autism spectrum…it happens.) I threaten sometimes to just go back to Canada. Not because I don’t love my husband or because I actually want to end things with him, but because I get in very defensive modes where I want everyone and everything to just fuck off. At times I just don’t care about the consequences because I don’t care about anything right now. Then I freak out on him when he gets in similar moods. Think we both need a vacation from everything, especially mentally. I wish I could just eff off somewhere for a few weeks or even a month, but responsibilities still taken care of and not fired from my job at least. I am in a really dark place and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I have no energy left to continue fighting. I am numb, I don’t care about anything and I just want to give up. In basic terms that is how I feel. It may sound dramatic or not very well explained, but it is the honest truth. I hate depression…fucking hate it more than any other mental health or emotional problems I deal with. It is completely crippling.

I haven’t been eating at all and when I do I tend to just eat junk because that is all that is appealing or remotely appetizing. Been smoking a lot more too using stress as the number one excuse most smokers use, yet smoking actually raises your blood pressure and hence stressed more. I am complaining about my stomach and health problems while not taking care of it.

I am not sure why I repeated how I have been feeling these passed few months or so, but just in different terms…Mental health is something that is really important to me and I think it is good to talk about it, because it is more common than we think. For anyone who is going through a rough or dark time know you can comment here on this post and this is an environment you can feel safe in. I can only discuss it or open up about it in my own terms, but I felt the need to post about it. That maybe if I am still opening up in someways it can help. Sorry for being a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I appreciate all your guys support. 😃 ♥ Sorry I also have not been posting much of anything even updates or rants. I have been mainly just been playing The Sims 4 in my down time (I have become a Script Mod and CC nerd!) because why not simulate your life when yours is a complete wreck, right? xD

My weekly tunage….

‘In a sick way I want to thank you, For holding my head up late at night, While I was busy waging wars on myself,, You were trying to stop the fight, You never doubted my warped opinions, On things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself, When it was way too hard to take’ ❤

Shared before…one of the most meaningful and emotional songs I have heard in my life

One of my latest favorite artists and loved Travis Barker since Blink 182 days. This feature is pure bliss ❤

This man has been my life savior this year

'Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah, manners missing, travel different, no control, yeah, time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed, My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah, Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost'

Song is fire…gets me pumped xD

Been crying to this song a lot lately…for weeks now actually. ;o

'I'm paralyzed, Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should, I'm paralyzed, Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed'