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Some people get wasted and party…I get wasted, clean and listen to music way before her time. :)

Still working an insane amount of hours and trying to keep my sanity. However, it makes a huge difference when you like your job and your bank account likes the monies. Surprisingly working six nights and 9-10 hour shifts every night has yet to drive me completely insane or into complete shut down. After a six night week my two days off was just what I needed. I slept for like 12 hours on and off (not at once) since I got off work yesterday morning. lol. Although I bought a new expansion pack for the sims 4 and had plans to binge it on my days off this week, I didn’t really care much to as much as I thought I would. There is something just nice about being able to just get some rest whenever you want with no alarm to wake up too. I have played the sims and listened to some music to get some me time in, but really these couple days off are pretty much just to destress from the work environment and not be like go go go all the time. The husband and I decided to take some of our money that we have made over the holidays so far with all the over time and bought much needed things for the house. Well the shot glasses and wine glasses weren’t so much needed right away, neither was the wine or Jack Daniels, but you knowwww…the other stuff was. xD I figured this way when we get a house or trailer etc we have a mini start collection to a mini bar or what have you. Now I don’t normally drink if you all are thinking I am some alcoholic that drinks every night/day (me being on the night shift now) I don’t. Lmao. I hardly drink on my days off. I still think it is nice to have those kind of stuffs so when we do rarely drink or have company over. (not that I hang out with people cause you know people suck) either way you get the point. πŸ˜› When we got back from wal mart the hubby and I took a shot and while he played on the xbox I started cleaning the kitchen and reorganizing so we can have room for the stuff we bought, especially the new 16 piece glass set we purchased along with the other alcoholic related ware. I am already super buzzed and it is not even 2:30 pm yet, but that is how it goes when you work nights and your schedule is opposite than most of society. I am actually normally already in bed by now. I am such a rebel. ;o I am kinda bored so I thought I would share some boring pictures tbh with you all from my afternoon so far and some music I was listening to as I was cleaning since I just sat down to relax.

This was taken when we were like 3 shots in I think. (yup when I drink I go all out. I am doing shots, not even mixed drinks at least yet…I figure when I drink like maybe once every few months why not get plastered.)

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My backwards ass schedule…most people probably don’t drink at like lunch time, at least shots of hard liquor…or maybe they do???

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A very blurry and crap lighting picture of some of my reorganizing of my kitchen and all the new drink ware we got.

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I jammed out to many classic rock and roll songs aka music way before my time while I organized and clean. I always share music so of course I will share some of my listenings…

I fucking love this song ❀ ❀ ❀

From one of the best albums of all time no argument. Fight me.

Another song from one of the best albums hands down. One of my favorite songs of all time personally as well. (tons of memories to this album…good and bad. xD) If you feel nothing from music or this album then I feel sorry for you cause this is pure ecstasy.

I am obsessed with this song and always will be

I saw John Fogerty in concert as my high school grad present from my parents and it will always be one of the best moments of my life. ❀

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Do updates really need a title tbh? No, okay moving on

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

It’s our first snow storm for this time of year and I didn’t miss it or the cold at all. I am enjoying a hot cup of tea and listening to music bundled up inside. xD

I am still working an insane amount of hours as I mentioned before and also will be doing a sixth night this week. Having more sonority in your department is finally paying off it seems. There is so many reasons why it was right for me to switch departments at work. πŸ˜› I am however becoming a lot more irritable and I am completely mentally burned out. I almost had a mental breakdown at work last night and had to escape for like 5 mins. I however did fight through it and came back. The thing is I am still really happy with it and I take a lot of pride in myself for being able to do my best every night. My team lead tonight was even like okay guys we have 21 minutes to work this aisle (one of the aisles that get the most product every night tbh) and I am going to join you…I was like psht dude you’re dreaming, not gonna happen. We did it with 3 minutes to spare and my team lead was like you guys kick some serious butt. I was like woot breaking records tonight! It is little things like that are so different and makes us feel accomplished and great about our hard work. It really helps push me when I need it and it is worth fighting through anxiety. We have definitely caught up on a lot of bills are able to pretty much eat whatever we want each week (unlike before when there was weeks we were living off of ramen, mac and cheese etc) and buy some things when we want for the house or things we need. It is a huge relief not to be stressed financially or as much anymore. If you guys recall I wrote a post a few months ago or whatever where we were super poor and I was in a pretty shitty place mentally. I also think it helps I am way less frustrated at work or about my job.

My diet continues to be uber healthy and I feel so much better. I am literally feeling and seeing a huge difference from when I didn’t eat so healthy. This is my last week for any kind of meat or other animal bi-products etc. Even then it has been very minimal like the other night was my last meal containing chicken. Besides parmesan cheese here and there and very little meat, my entire diet this week has been basically vegan. I tried unsweetened almond milk too and I surprisingly liked it. I didn’t think I would, like I was legitimate iffy with trying it. Haha. I want to try other kinds too like soy milk etc. Especially see what works best with certain things like cereal, tea etc. I think giving up dairy milk for my husband and I is a really great choice since he is lactose intolerant anyways. It is not some coincidence many people are lactose intolerant especially kids…cows milk is meant for baby cows not humans mmmkay. πŸ˜› I will still miss it though. (I love milk in my tea and it will take me awhile to get use to other choices or none at all but I already have converted tbh) So yes so far I am successfully following my new dietry choices including slowly completly changing my diet. I actually think it is going faster than I thought it would.

As I mentioned it was a snow storm, cold and listening to music I also just took a bath while having this concert playing on my phone. I absolutely love this band and sometimes think I was born in the wrong generation for music. πŸ˜›

This song reminds me sometimes of myself and my autism etc…it will feature on this autism playlist I am still actually going to be putting together and will share here I am sure. πŸ˜› One of my all time favorite vocalists too RIP ❀

This song literally sends chills down my spine every time. I cannot explain it. Like there is not enough words to describe what his voice does to me or the emotion in this song.

I had this song stuck in my head because I was listening to the album version of it last night at work cause I am currently OCDing over this band right now as you can see

Ohh and they make me super proud to be Canadian and I don't even care for country pride if I am being honest so that says something. Love this style of music or not you;d be an ignorant fool to deny the talent of these guys. xD

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Really crappy/unorganized update and more simmies…

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

My anxiety has been running at an all time high and I’m either very drained or hyperactive, so sorry I haven’t been posting much. I want to get back into posting more, but have been so busy with work and everyday life it unfortunately leaves little time for writing. It takes every bit of down time I am getting to relax and to push forward to continue showing up to work and take care of myself. My anxiety also causes my thoughts and mind to race in a speed I can’t seem to catch up with or control that it makes it really hard to hold onto a thought, never mind write. So for now we are stuck with this mini update post. Haha.

Besides my usual anxiety and other struggles I am actually doing alright. As mentioned I am going to work every night and working anywhere between 8 1/2 hour to 10 hour shifts. My anxiety and mental health is complaining, but my bank account is not. xD I actually can’t remember the last time I got out of work on time and with the holidays approaching it doesn’t look like it will calm down anytime soon. I figured if I work hard while the hours are there and save a bit I can worry about taking it easy later on as hours always flux-orate in retail and you gotta make money when it’s there. Regardless of having few minor break downs and struggling through some anxiety, it actually feels really good to be productive at work and in my everyday life. Like even through some of my mental health struggles, I’m happy. I have come so far in my life and have changed a lot that it is still paying off and I have broke myself out of another depression cycle.

I have not just managed to uphold full time hours, my other duties at home I am also making drastic changes in my life. Ones I should have made a lot sooner, but it’s never too late. I have started to exercise more and be more energetic outside of just my physical job, I am making drastic changes in my diet and working on smoking a lot less in hopes to maybe even quit if I can stop being weak. lol. I think my diet has probably been the most extreme change as I am going to go completely vegan. I say going to be because with that strict of a diet change it doesn’t happen over night. It takes a lot of research and dedication. I want to be completely ready before I make such a drastic change. I have started to slowly cut out meat (red meat entirely) and absolutely no more junk. I am not worried about cutting out meat as I basically only ate it because it was served to me growing up, but I wouldn’t say I really ever crave it or miss it when I am not eating it. In fact my biggest challenge will probably be to give up dairy products as I love cheese, milk, eggs…chocolate is even dairy ffs. LOL. However, I really want to do this. I have been wanting to go vegan for a few years now, but was always too weak to do that strict of a diet change and my husband would always laugh when I shared this belief. That was until we did some serious research and watching a bunch of documentaries to discover many people are thriving off a vegan diet, some even more so than those who are not including some of the top athletes in the world. However, I would argue no matter what diet you choose even the most balanced diet, anything can be dangerous if you are not careful enough about where you are choosing to get your food from and what you are putting into your body (including veggies, meats etc from your supermarket) I find people get so hung up on what is the healthiest diet that we are actually not questioning anything else. Most people don’t know or care to know what process your food took to get from where it came from to your plate. There is a huge difference between going out and hunting your food or growing your own garden then ignorantly just picking up food from your closest supermarket because it is convenient. ‘Blah blah, our ancestors ate meat so we’re meant to eat it you pussy ass vegans and vegetarians’ although there is now research and evidence to even prove that theory wrong let’s just consider this statement for a moment. That even if that was the case, our ancestors went out and hunted or gathered their own food. So unless you are some expert hunter I don’t have time for your senseless dribble tbh. (sorry I am going off topic, I am sure with me going vegan you will see many more posts relating to such things later on lol) I am not just going vegan for the health benefits I am also doing it for the welfare of animals because I love them more than humans tbh. I have seen far too many documentaries and videos on meat farms and animal cruelty that I cannot go one more minute ignoring or pretending it doesn’t make me sick to my stomach just so I can shovel food down my throat. Truth is with the advances of food and all the research available now on foods or diets, there is no reason you can’t be a health vegan. Again is it really anymore unhealthy than most of the diets out there? It’s easy to go vegan, it’s hard to be a healthy vegan but I know I can do it. I will of course make sure to regularly see my doctor and maybe even get a dietitian or whatever because I am not ignorant enough to believe you can live off of veggies, fruits and carbs alone. You have to be really careful of how to get all the nutrients we need to be healthy and having an advisory will help especially since I have ignored my health for long enough. If I am doing this for health benefits it would be stupid to go into it blindly. If I am going vegan for more than just the health benefits, environment benefits, but also for animal rights than I need to still do some serious research on what foods and drinks are vegan or not because you’d be surprised the shit I have found and never thought it had any animal by products in it. So yes I am going completely vegan, but just need to do a bit more research and search up tons more of recipes before I completely throw everything out in our cupboards or fridge and do a complete food overhaul. I am actually excited for this change. As for those who (not you guys…I mean population in general) who think I may be doing it to be trendy or jump on the vegan band wagon I don’t see this change as trendy. It makes me fucking sick that people think animal cruetly is just something to be taken lightly, that it is seen as weak or trendy to want to choose a better diet. It is literally just ignoring the fact we shovel down hormones and other crap and abuse animals in any means necessary so you can enjoy a nice cheeseburger. Like I’m weak because that stuff sickens me??? Okay what if it was humans we were talking about? Is it trendy not to be cannibalistic tbh? lol. It is almost like they are defending their ignorancy because they know deep down it’s wrong and we are some of the few species on this earth that actually don’t have to consume living beings to survive, especially with our advances. I am sorry unless you go out and hunt your own meat I will equally call you a pussy. πŸ˜‰ Anywhooo…those kinda arguments are better off for another time, just thought I’d share as I think this will be a drastic change in my life, but a good one. If anyone who is reading this is vegan, or you are not and know great vegan recipes I should try feel free to share them in the comment section. Right now I could use any resource possible.

So yeah…I think making positive changes like these ones I mentioned will really benefit not just my physical health that I have been so damn worried about, but my mental health as well.

My husband has also had a rough month or so as he went from a huge tooth infection to blowing out his right shoulder and now has tendinitis and some other crap going on. There is obvious stress that comes with that and I am really worried about it. I am however not really in a state to talk much about it, but he is slowly on the mend. I will keep you guys posted on his health as well.

Well that is about all that is new with me. I have made a couple more Sims 4 videos on youtube since I last posted and I am really enjoying doing these kind of videos in my spare time, even if no one watches them. Haha. For real though I have no where else to currently share them right now as I am still on my social media hibernation (as in besides email, youtube and blogging I have no connection to social media and I am not ready to get back into it or know if I ever will be as I am so much happier without it) so I would like to share them here (although will be reopening my gamer blog I think here on wordpress) I would appreciate the views, but no pressure! Only if you are interested tbh, lol Been trying to put more work into this so it is another reason for my hiatus from here.

My youtube gamer channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-TIPivSM55AbNpx5KAtM6A/about?view_as=subscriber

My first Sims 4 Create A Sim video with a mini background story

I posted this speed build to youtube yesterday πŸ˜ƒ

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‘The monster inside my head is ruthless…’ Life Update and stuffs (unedited)

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

This is going to be another stereotypical and hopefully not too boring update post type of thing. It won’t hurt my feelings if you breeze through this post or not read it at all, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Haha. xD

Work is always boring, right? So let’s get that o’deal out of the way first. As some of you may already know some of the frustrations I was having with my job and some of you may also know I switched to night shift as of three weeks ago as I mentioned it in a very brief post a few days back or more…I am very relieved to report that I am much happier with my life, routine and work since I have switched to nights. Yes the schedule of 10 pm – 6:30 am is not the most appealing schedule to and doing the same thing pretty much every night may get boring for most peoples, but not for me. Between the social anxiety with customers, the team work and the insane amount of responsibility of my job duties on days I am surprised I lasted over a year doing it. There are a lot more reasons why I made the switch and why I’m a lot happier now than before, but I either can’t discuss it publicly or it is too dramatic to worry about. LOL. Let’s just say doing Grocery Inventory (my last week on days) was the last strike for me. I think part of the reason why I was so calm during inventory regardless of all the bull shit was because I knew that same week (literally after inventory) I was going to nights. Basically what happened was the person I was replacing on nights went back to days that Sunday meaning they were short handed on nights, but Inventory was on a Tuesday of that week and with my experience they couldn’t let me just ditch and go to nights until inventory was done. I did a ton of over time on days because of inventory had two days off (most employees get three days off when switching shifts especially that kind of a change in schedule) but they needed me to start ASAP. The night shift basically works the truck or trucks we get in everyday except for one day a week tbh, well after the replenishment from inventory we were getting massive trucks. So I went from doing 10-12 hour shifts on days to doing similar shifts on night the same week. It was an exhausting and long week to say the least, but once I was on nights I didn’t complain once and was happy to voluntarily stay over as long as needed. Yes it kinda sucks that my clock is entirely upside down going in when everyone else is going to bed or already fast asleep in dream land, but I have always been a night owl anyways. It honestly took me like not even a week to get use to this new schedule and I am not nearly as exhausted than when I was working days physically and mentally. Which is kinda funny because stocking the truck load is much faster paced and more physically demanding than what I was doing on days. It is like being a little more sore and getting more energy out of myself is worth it to not put up with the bull shit I was on days. It is also two tasks every night…stock and then condition (pull everything to the front on the shelves) for the most part. A lot of people complain how boring conditioning is, but I actually like it. It is a nice break at the end of the night before going home and I can just rock out to my tunes. What can I say? I am a pretty boring and basic person. I like knowing what to expect, same plan and makes it so I can work independently for the most part. The management on nights is the best management I have had in all my experience in retail and everyone is not only held to the same standard, but are much more friendlier and all work hard. My entire team wants to get the job done to the best of our ability, have the same drive and passion for the most part. My team now kicks some serious ass! Not to mention nights are much more quieter than it is on days and has done wonders for my anxiety. I rarely get anxiety since I have started working this shift. It is a lot more independent in ways too, even though we work as a team and are organized we still like do our own thing. I can also listen to my music which really helps me therapeutically, helps keep me awake and even motivates me to work harder. I have just been one of those people that works better when listening to music and I can finally use that to my advantage. I think even without any of the frustrations on days I am just generally happier on nights because the kind of person I am. Also with the demand and need to get through trucks etc….I have opportunity to seek full time. I also went from having no sonority in a department where anyone could bump me at any given time or not get hours because my lack of sonority to having one of the highest sonority on nights. I went from 10 hours to 40 plus hours a week and a set schedule which is really important for a routine person like myself and helps me tremendously. As long as I have a set routine I keep my sanity and will work as many hours as needed or as I want. I know it’s just a job, but people actually spend the majority of their time either at work or sleeping, besides vacations and a couple days off work does consume a lot of your life rather people want to admit that or not and I think it’s very important to be somewhat happy with your job. I am in a much better mood in and outside of work now, even my husband and people around me has shared this with me. It may not be a career choice and no I may not stay with this job or at that company forever, but for right now it pays the bills and is making me content.

Even in the best of times and the whole work situation working out for me we got struck by some bad luck as my husband had a really bad abscess/infection from one of his molars. Last week he booked a dentist appointment after complaining about pain in his jaw and even neck. Turns out he ignored an infection for probably a bit too long being the typical stubborn male he is and got a horrendous abscess. Luckily most of our insurance covered the procedure, but the procedure was pretty brutal since after they had to give him a few shots as it was one of his bottom molars (it is easier to numb the upper jaw than it is the bottom for you lucky few that have yet to have tooth problems) cut into his gum and pulled the tooth, they also had to scrape and suck out as much of the infection as they could. Then the surgeon was like since you are probably tired of being on antibiotics for a coople weeks why not have another round cause you know what’s one more week of pills that make you feel nauseous and drowsy. I am happy to report he is in recovery, but has been sleeping a lot as his body can now truly rest as it hasn’t been able to considering it has been fighting a massive infection for weeks, still swollen and in a bit of discomfort. Hoping he will feel better in a few more days so he can stop acting like a baby (you know men when they get sick it is like they are dying. Am I right?!) and he can go back to caring for himself as I have been taking very good care of him, doing most of the chores etc. I’m kidding! I truly want him to feel better soon as I feel really bad for him.

Other than that not much is entirely new in my everyday life. Been eating a lot better and managing my down time more outside of work as I want to be 100% every night I go in and am working on my attendance as it was kind of bad on days for a bit there. However…being happier at work I think will play a huge factor as I am much more willing to fight through stuff like anxiety when I actually like my job. xD Since I have been taking better care of myself I feel much better physically and especially mentally.

My tunes of the week (most come from tunes I listen to quite a bit at work haha)

As much as I have built a life for myself here in the states I am really home sick and hoping to plan a trip to see famiy next summer. My parents I think will be visiting again early next year, but I haven’t seen relatives for a few years and it has been way too long since I have seen my brother and place where I basically grew up.

Beenβ€…a lot of hard days and
Beenβ€…a lot of long nights and
Even though I love the road
I’m missing home somehow

One of my latest tunes on my personal autism playlist

I have been OBSESSED with this song the past few nights

This song gets me super pumped at work

This man’s music will keep me going all night at work. Actually gets me hyper HAHA

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather ’round
That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about
That means I might take a normal thought and think it’s so profound (leave me alone)
Ruminating, fill balloons up full of doubt
Do the same things, if I don’t, I’m overwhelmed
Thoughts are pacing, they go ’round and ’round and ’round’ <—- SO ME

Also my life xD

I am obsessed with this song still and I do sing it at work. I have like my own personal karaoke going on in my aisles LOLLL

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‘Hold up my balloons and cover up my face I can feel them weighing on me every day’

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

Warning: Not only is this going to be a lengthly rant, but talks of depression, anxiety and other mental health related things. Also may be moments of cursing and dark related topics. This is going to be unedited, very honest and open. If you are in a bad place and easily triggered or don’t want to read it, simply don’t. Okay thanks. πŸ˜ƒ

I am currently drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside, which is very suiting. I kinda had to laugh out loud when the rain started pouring down when I started writing this. Is that too dramatic? xD

Okay moving on…

As some of you may already know from previous posts I am in a pretty bad place right now and have been for quite awhile now. The stresses at work, with trying to go in everyday no matter how burned out I may be, the difficulties I have in my everyday personal life, depression, anxiety and episodes of completely shutting down continue. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was somewhat okay or could deal with certain things better than I am right now. My body and mind is screaming for a break or some time to just regroup. Sometimes it doesn’t help I don’t always exactly know how to solve my own things like anxiety, avoiding mental break downs or shutdowns. I probably need therapy, but I haven’t even had the energy to look into it. As mentioned before, I have a really hard time talking about a lot of these things especially being on the Autism spectrum because 95% of the time it is met with generic negative responses like ‘you don’t look like you have autism,’ ‘you look fine to me,’ ‘oh it is just social anxiety, get over it’ or some other ignorant comment. Cause you know Autism is just social related, and only has one look, right? *rolls eyes* It’s hard enough being away from everything I know and everyone I love since I have moved to the states, that as much as talking to my husband helps he has his own struggles too and can’t always be his 100% supportive husband even when he tries. I feel very alone, especially when it comes to things like my autism.

There has been a lot of stress at work in just my everyday work and also other related problems that I cannot discuss publicly but it has been really defeating and crippling. It has not helped my last attempts at trying not to be an insecure wreck, ball of anxiety or want to continue fighting. Yet I feel stuck at this job and something in me that even if I wasn’t stuck, I don’t want to give up. It’s maddening that if people only knew my struggles or actually saw truly how hard I am trying and what I swallow everyday that maybe there could be better resolve to certain situations. Instead they only see a glimpse of it and are judging from the outside. My attendance has not been the best, but if they only knew I am fighting anxiety every single day and forcing myself to go in. So some days I am completely exhausted and out of energy to even leave my bed, never mind go in. My attendance was getting back up there and I hadn’t missed time in 3 months and then I was having stomach problems I missed a couple days. My stomach problems have been getting so bad I actually am looking into booking an appointment to ask how much testing will costs etc and then try to figure out a budget to get them done. Don’t think stressing about my health helps. I may or not be switching shifts. Long story short, I am trying and really would like to go to night shifts because I think it could really help my anxiety as the job on nights is basically one task and less people. It may be a faster pace, but you deal with less customers, less managers and everyone is too busy actually working to deal with or cause drama. The managers on nights also allow employees to listen to music with earphones or headphones and I have always worked better or done anything better while listening to music as it really helps things like my anxiety and becoming too overwhelmed. It helps me shut out the outside world a bit and just buckle down and work. I think it would tremendously help my anxiety, my attendance and other things I have been struggling with on days. I am waiting to hear about it and can’t talk about much besides that, but will keep you posted.

My anxiety has been so bad in and outside of work that I am not doing 100% at anything in my life currently. I am just doing everything as if nothing is wrong or rushing things so I can take down time without realizing the consequences of half assing things and stressing out later. Sometimes I just plainly forget to do things that are important all together. My functioning when I am faking it is OKAY at BEST, or maybe not even okay. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for those around me or have to deal with it and it makes me feel like complete shit. I feel frozen or numb all the time, especially to the outside world. I have been very introverted as well. I sacrifice a lot by going to work everyday including time spent with my husband because I need a great deal of down time to take care of myself. The only problem is lately no matter how much time I take for myself it really isn’t doing anything or changing how I feel.

I am depressed. I was doing okay for a long time and it has been quite sometime since I have had episodes or cycles of depression, but it is something I will always deal with and have in my life. It is not so much suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of just completely giving up on everything. In little arguments with my husband (cause you know married couples have those especially when you live with someone on the autism spectrum…it happens.) I threaten sometimes to just go back to Canada. Not because I don’t love my husband or because I actually want to end things with him, but because I get in very defensive modes where I want everyone and everything to just fuck off. At times I just don’t care about the consequences because I don’t care about anything right now. Then I freak out on him when he gets in similar moods. Think we both need a vacation from everything, especially mentally. I wish I could just eff off somewhere for a few weeks or even a month, but responsibilities still taken care of and not fired from my job at least. I am in a really dark place and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I have no energy left to continue fighting. I am numb, I don’t care about anything and I just want to give up. In basic terms that is how I feel. It may sound dramatic or not very well explained, but it is the honest truth. I hate depression…fucking hate it more than any other mental health or emotional problems I deal with. It is completely crippling.

I haven’t been eating at all and when I do I tend to just eat junk because that is all that is appealing or remotely appetizing. Been smoking a lot more too using stress as the number one excuse most smokers use, yet smoking actually raises your blood pressure and hence stressed more. I am complaining about my stomach and health problems while not taking care of it.

I am not sure why I repeated how I have been feeling these passed few months or so, but just in different terms…Mental health is something that is really important to me and I think it is good to talk about it, because it is more common than we think. For anyone who is going through a rough or dark time know you can comment here on this post and this is an environment you can feel safe in. I can only discuss it or open up about it in my own terms, but I felt the need to post about it. That maybe if I am still opening up in someways it can help. Sorry for being a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I appreciate all your guys support. πŸ˜ƒ β™₯ Sorry I also have not been posting much of anything even updates or rants. I have been mainly just been playing The Sims 4 in my down time (I have become a Script Mod and CC nerd!) because why not simulate your life when yours is a complete wreck, right? xD

My weekly tunage….

‘In a sick way I want to thank you, For holding my head up late at night, While I was busy waging wars on myself,, You were trying to stop the fight, You never doubted my warped opinions, On things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself, When it was way too hard to take’ ❀

Shared before…one of the most meaningful and emotional songs I have heard in my life

One of my latest favorite artists and loved Travis Barker since Blink 182 days. This feature is pure bliss ❀

This man has been my life savior this year

'Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah, manners missing, travel different, no control, yeah, time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed, My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah, Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost'

Song is fire…gets me pumped xD

Been crying to this song a lot lately…for weeks now actually. ;o

'I'm paralyzed, Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should, I'm paralyzed, Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed'

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Oh heyyy…

Hey guys…I hope everyone is having a great week.

Since updatey posts have been my thing lately and I need to just vent or stress about my life let’s keep up the trend of my life posts. xD

Even though I am managing to keep up my normal routine of work, responsibilities at home and errands etc, I am still pretty out of it mentally. I am physically tired because my job is very physical demanding, but more mentally tired. The hubby and I have been going through a lot of personal stuff and really stressed financially as well. It is really tough because I was already naturally overwhelmed because of my nature that the extra stress is becoming almost impossible to truly be able to deal with it. I honestly don’t know how I am still managing to still put up this fake persona of going to work everyday and just seem like I am somewhat okay. It is really affecting my personal life though. It also seems to come in spurts kinda and it is not this like long period of just doom and gloom or completely collapsing from my everyday responsibilities. There are days I work my full 8 hour shift and come home to do household chores or whatever responsibility needs to be taken care of that day and there are days I wake up sick to my stomach from anxiety, don’t want to do anything and I just push through my shift like some zombie so I can come home and do absolutely nothing. Those are the days that I am not that reliable at work or at home. The constant feeling of overwhelming or this foggy state I feel like I’m in never truly goes away. I think because what I have been going through this past few months is causing more problems because I am not dealing with anything properly or being able to problem solve anything. It is really hard to explain, but there have been quite a few things lately I could have done something about it at the time but I like mentally blacked out and realized later there was something I could have done and because I didn’t it really affected me. I hate how I make myself people’s doormats or how I don’t have the ability to help myself out of situations sometimes. Looking from the outside I look completely fine, I show up to work for all my shifts, I function at a somewhat okay state and am still doing normal adult things, but on the inside I am a complete nightmare right now and if you looked at the whole picture I am failing both socially and in situations that are deeply destroying me. I am not really functioning right now it just looks like I am and because I am still trying to fight through it or put on some survival fake persona it is not helping in the long run.

Work is a shit show and I can’t really talk about it I am just at wits end with a lot of stuff and I am tired of being talked out of stuff, being told how I interpret things or feel is no big deal or wrong. My hubby is on a six day stretch at work because of inventory and it has been also really hard on him. My hours are probably going to get cut again coming up which actually makes no effing sense.

I’m just mentally exhausted and tired of feeling this way. Pretty sure I’m depressed again or going through some cycle of it I just haven’t came to terms with it and just trying to fight it.

Hoping the cut in hours can help with my feelings of being overwhelmed or whatever state this is at least since it is going to really affect our financial situation we were already in. It will also give me more time to post and work on my blog and also stream. Been also frustrated with the whole stream thing as I am trying to stream from a crappy old laptop and it has been really laggy and with us being so financially stressed looking into a desktop or any kind of PC is out of the question and will be for sometime. It’s tough because I am not even trying to do this stream odeal professionally or make a career out of it (I wouldn’t complain if it turned into something more or like that) but like I am really just doing it for fun and it’s something different. So when I can’t even have it work properly for my own enjoyment it is really aggravating. I’m still working on some posts that I have yet to post because I have been mad OCDing the sims and all the stuff that has been going on with me has been making it difficult to sit out and properly edit stuff or explain things the way I would like too.

Well that is about all that is up with me and know I deeply appreciate all your support here on wordpress. It does really help even in my hiatus.

Songs of my week….
I guess I’ll just be the outcast!!!!

When did I lose myself…… ❀

Probably one of the most powerful songs of our generation and a big FU to people who say rap is a bad influence. It also changed my life and made me really look in the mirror so this song will always have a special place in my heart. I listen to this whenever I think of completely giving up and it oddly inspires me every time.

This chorus really speaks to me…
'Well you look like yourself, but you're somebody else, only it ain't on the surface, well you talk like yourself, no, I hear someone else though, now you're making me nervous'

Cause this song is super chill… ❀

'I paced around for hours on empty, I jumped at the slightest of sounds, And I couldn't stand the person inside me, I turned all the mirrors around…'