Hello all my amazing followers and readers!
Warning: Not only is this going to be a lengthly rant, but talks of depression, anxiety and other mental health related things. Also may be moments of cursing and dark related topics. This is going to be unedited, very honest and open. If you are in a bad place and easily triggered or don’t want to read it, simply don’t. Okay thanks. 😃
I am currently drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside, which is very suiting. I kinda had to laugh out loud when the rain started pouring down when I started writing this. Is that too dramatic? xD
Okay moving on…
As some of you may already know from previous posts I am in a pretty bad place right now and have been for quite awhile now. The stresses at work, with trying to go in everyday no matter how burned out I may be, the difficulties I have in my everyday personal life, depression, anxiety and episodes of completely shutting down continue. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was somewhat okay or could deal with certain things better than I am right now. My body and mind is screaming for a break or some time to just regroup. Sometimes it doesn’t help I don’t always exactly know how to solve my own things like anxiety, avoiding mental break downs or shutdowns. I probably need therapy, but I haven’t even had the energy to look into it. As mentioned before, I have a really hard time talking about a lot of these things especially being on the Autism spectrum because 95% of the time it is met with generic negative responses like ‘you don’t look like you have autism,’ ‘you look fine to me,’ ‘oh it is just social anxiety, get over it’ or some other ignorant comment. Cause you know Autism is just social related, and only has one look, right? *rolls eyes* It’s hard enough being away from everything I know and everyone I love since I have moved to the states, that as much as talking to my husband helps he has his own struggles too and can’t always be his 100% supportive husband even when he tries. I feel very alone, especially when it comes to things like my autism.
There has been a lot of stress at work in just my everyday work and also other related problems that I cannot discuss publicly but it has been really defeating and crippling. It has not helped my last attempts at trying not to be an insecure wreck, ball of anxiety or want to continue fighting. Yet I feel stuck at this job and something in me that even if I wasn’t stuck, I don’t want to give up. It’s maddening that if people only knew my struggles or actually saw truly how hard I am trying and what I swallow everyday that maybe there could be better resolve to certain situations. Instead they only see a glimpse of it and are judging from the outside. My attendance has not been the best, but if they only knew I am fighting anxiety every single day and forcing myself to go in. So some days I am completely exhausted and out of energy to even leave my bed, never mind go in. My attendance was getting back up there and I hadn’t missed time in 3 months and then I was having stomach problems I missed a couple days. My stomach problems have been getting so bad I actually am looking into booking an appointment to ask how much testing will costs etc and then try to figure out a budget to get them done. Don’t think stressing about my health helps. I may or not be switching shifts. Long story short, I am trying and really would like to go to night shifts because I think it could really help my anxiety as the job on nights is basically one task and less people. It may be a faster pace, but you deal with less customers, less managers and everyone is too busy actually working to deal with or cause drama. The managers on nights also allow employees to listen to music with earphones or headphones and I have always worked better or done anything better while listening to music as it really helps things like my anxiety and becoming too overwhelmed. It helps me shut out the outside world a bit and just buckle down and work. I think it would tremendously help my anxiety, my attendance and other things I have been struggling with on days. I am waiting to hear about it and can’t talk about much besides that, but will keep you posted.
My anxiety has been so bad in and outside of work that I am not doing 100% at anything in my life currently. I am just doing everything as if nothing is wrong or rushing things so I can take down time without realizing the consequences of half assing things and stressing out later. Sometimes I just plainly forget to do things that are important all together. My functioning when I am faking it is OKAY at BEST, or maybe not even okay. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for those around me or have to deal with it and it makes me feel like complete shit. I feel frozen or numb all the time, especially to the outside world. I have been very introverted as well. I sacrifice a lot by going to work everyday including time spent with my husband because I need a great deal of down time to take care of myself. The only problem is lately no matter how much time I take for myself it really isn’t doing anything or changing how I feel.
I am depressed. I was doing okay for a long time and it has been quite sometime since I have had episodes or cycles of depression, but it is something I will always deal with and have in my life. It is not so much suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of just completely giving up on everything. In little arguments with my husband (cause you know married couples have those especially when you live with someone on the autism spectrum…it happens.) I threaten sometimes to just go back to Canada. Not because I don’t love my husband or because I actually want to end things with him, but because I get in very defensive modes where I want everyone and everything to just fuck off. At times I just don’t care about the consequences because I don’t care about anything right now. Then I freak out on him when he gets in similar moods. Think we both need a vacation from everything, especially mentally. I wish I could just eff off somewhere for a few weeks or even a month, but responsibilities still taken care of and not fired from my job at least. I am in a really dark place and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I have no energy left to continue fighting. I am numb, I don’t care about anything and I just want to give up. In basic terms that is how I feel. It may sound dramatic or not very well explained, but it is the honest truth. I hate depression…fucking hate it more than any other mental health or emotional problems I deal with. It is completely crippling.
I haven’t been eating at all and when I do I tend to just eat junk because that is all that is appealing or remotely appetizing. Been smoking a lot more too using stress as the number one excuse most smokers use, yet smoking actually raises your blood pressure and hence stressed more. I am complaining about my stomach and health problems while not taking care of it.
I am not sure why I repeated how I have been feeling these passed few months or so, but just in different terms…Mental health is something that is really important to me and I think it is good to talk about it, because it is more common than we think. For anyone who is going through a rough or dark time know you can comment here on this post and this is an environment you can feel safe in. I can only discuss it or open up about it in my own terms, but I felt the need to post about it. That maybe if I am still opening up in someways it can help. Sorry for being a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I appreciate all your guys support. 😃 ♥ Sorry I also have not been posting much of anything even updates or rants. I have been mainly just been playing The Sims 4 in my down time (I have become a Script Mod and CC nerd!) because why not simulate your life when yours is a complete wreck, right? xD
My weekly tunage….
‘In a sick way I want to thank you, For holding my head up late at night, While I was busy waging wars on myself,, You were trying to stop the fight, You never doubted my warped opinions, On things like suicidal hate, You made me compliment myself, When it was way too hard to take’ ❤
Shared before…one of the most meaningful and emotional songs I have heard in my life
One of my latest favorite artists and loved Travis Barker since Blink 182 days. This feature is pure bliss ❤
This man has been my life savior this year
'Painic-stricken, handle business, not a joke, yeah, manners missing, travel different, no control, yeah, time to listen, time to zip it, keep it closed, My description, highly gifted, take some notes, yeah, Lack of interest, why'd you visit? Hit the road, yeah, I'm kinda twisted, so keep your distance, be a ghost'
Song is fire…gets me pumped xD
Been crying to this song a lot lately…for weeks now actually. ;o
'I'm paralyzed, Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should, I'm paralyzed, Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed'