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‘The monster inside my head is ruthless…’ Life Update and stuffs (unedited)

Hello all my amazing followers and readers!

This is going to be another stereotypical and hopefully not too boring update post type of thing. It won’t hurt my feelings if you breeze through this post or not read it at all, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Haha. xD

Work is always boring, right? So let’s get that o’deal out of the way first. As some of you may already know some of the frustrations I was having with my job and some of you may also know I switched to night shift as of three weeks ago as I mentioned it in a very brief post a few days back or more…I am very relieved to report that I am much happier with my life, routine and work since I have switched to nights. Yes the schedule of 10 pm – 6:30 am is not the most appealing schedule to and doing the same thing pretty much every night may get boring for most peoples, but not for me. Between the social anxiety with customers, the team work and the insane amount of responsibility of my job duties on days I am surprised I lasted over a year doing it. There are a lot more reasons why I made the switch and why I’m a lot happier now than before, but I either can’t discuss it publicly or it is too dramatic to worry about. LOL. Let’s just say doing Grocery Inventory (my last week on days) was the last strike for me. I think part of the reason why I was so calm during inventory regardless of all the bull shit was because I knew that same week (literally after inventory) I was going to nights. Basically what happened was the person I was replacing on nights went back to days that Sunday meaning they were short handed on nights, but Inventory was on a Tuesday of that week and with my experience they couldn’t let me just ditch and go to nights until inventory was done. I did a ton of over time on days because of inventory had two days off (most employees get three days off when switching shifts especially that kind of a change in schedule) but they needed me to start ASAP. The night shift basically works the truck or trucks we get in everyday except for one day a week tbh, well after the replenishment from inventory we were getting massive trucks. So I went from doing 10-12 hour shifts on days to doing similar shifts on night the same week. It was an exhausting and long week to say the least, but once I was on nights I didn’t complain once and was happy to voluntarily stay over as long as needed. Yes it kinda sucks that my clock is entirely upside down going in when everyone else is going to bed or already fast asleep in dream land, but I have always been a night owl anyways. It honestly took me like not even a week to get use to this new schedule and I am not nearly as exhausted than when I was working days physically and mentally. Which is kinda funny because stocking the truck load is much faster paced and more physically demanding than what I was doing on days. It is like being a little more sore and getting more energy out of myself is worth it to not put up with the bull shit I was on days. It is also two tasks every night…stock and then condition (pull everything to the front on the shelves) for the most part. A lot of people complain how boring conditioning is, but I actually like it. It is a nice break at the end of the night before going home and I can just rock out to my tunes. What can I say? I am a pretty boring and basic person. I like knowing what to expect, same plan and makes it so I can work independently for the most part. The management on nights is the best management I have had in all my experience in retail and everyone is not only held to the same standard, but are much more friendlier and all work hard. My entire team wants to get the job done to the best of our ability, have the same drive and passion for the most part. My team now kicks some serious ass! Not to mention nights are much more quieter than it is on days and has done wonders for my anxiety. I rarely get anxiety since I have started working this shift. It is a lot more independent in ways too, even though we work as a team and are organized we still like do our own thing. I can also listen to my music which really helps me therapeutically, helps keep me awake and even motivates me to work harder. I have just been one of those people that works better when listening to music and I can finally use that to my advantage. I think even without any of the frustrations on days I am just generally happier on nights because the kind of person I am. Also with the demand and need to get through trucks etc….I have opportunity to seek full time. I also went from having no sonority in a department where anyone could bump me at any given time or not get hours because my lack of sonority to having one of the highest sonority on nights. I went from 10 hours to 40 plus hours a week and a set schedule which is really important for a routine person like myself and helps me tremendously. As long as I have a set routine I keep my sanity and will work as many hours as needed or as I want. I know it’s just a job, but people actually spend the majority of their time either at work or sleeping, besides vacations and a couple days off work does consume a lot of your life rather people want to admit that or not and I think it’s very important to be somewhat happy with your job. I am in a much better mood in and outside of work now, even my husband and people around me has shared this with me. It may not be a career choice and no I may not stay with this job or at that company forever, but for right now it pays the bills and is making me content.

Even in the best of times and the whole work situation working out for me we got struck by some bad luck as my husband had a really bad abscess/infection from one of his molars. Last week he booked a dentist appointment after complaining about pain in his jaw and even neck. Turns out he ignored an infection for probably a bit too long being the typical stubborn male he is and got a horrendous abscess. Luckily most of our insurance covered the procedure, but the procedure was pretty brutal since after they had to give him a few shots as it was one of his bottom molars (it is easier to numb the upper jaw than it is the bottom for you lucky few that have yet to have tooth problems) cut into his gum and pulled the tooth, they also had to scrape and suck out as much of the infection as they could. Then the surgeon was like since you are probably tired of being on antibiotics for a coople weeks why not have another round cause you know what’s one more week of pills that make you feel nauseous and drowsy. I am happy to report he is in recovery, but has been sleeping a lot as his body can now truly rest as it hasn’t been able to considering it has been fighting a massive infection for weeks, still swollen and in a bit of discomfort. Hoping he will feel better in a few more days so he can stop acting like a baby (you know men when they get sick it is like they are dying. Am I right?!) and he can go back to caring for himself as I have been taking very good care of him, doing most of the chores etc. I’m kidding! I truly want him to feel better soon as I feel really bad for him.

Other than that not much is entirely new in my everyday life. Been eating a lot better and managing my down time more outside of work as I want to be 100% every night I go in and am working on my attendance as it was kind of bad on days for a bit there. However…being happier at work I think will play a huge factor as I am much more willing to fight through stuff like anxiety when I actually like my job. xD Since I have been taking better care of myself I feel much better physically and especially mentally.

My tunes of the week (most come from tunes I listen to quite a bit at work haha)

As much as I have built a life for myself here in the states I am really home sick and hoping to plan a trip to see famiy next summer. My parents I think will be visiting again early next year, but I haven’t seen relatives for a few years and it has been way too long since I have seen my brother and place where I basically grew up.

Been a lot of hard days and
Been a lot of long nights and
Even though I love the road
I’m missing home somehow

One of my latest tunes on my personal autism playlist

I have been OBSESSED with this song the past few nights

This song gets me super pumped at work

This man’s music will keep me going all night at work. Actually gets me hyper HAHA

Diagnosed with OCD, what does that mean? Well, gather ’round
That means I obsessively obsess on things I think about
That means I might take a normal thought and think it’s so profound (leave me alone)
Ruminating, fill balloons up full of doubt
Do the same things, if I don’t, I’m overwhelmed
Thoughts are pacing, they go ’round and ’round and ’round’ <—- SO ME

Also my life xD

I am obsessed with this song still and I do sing it at work. I have like my own personal karaoke going on in my aisles LOLLL


I am a 32-year-old female living life on the autism spectrum and still trying to find my place in the world. I have other associated disorders or mental illnesses such as OCD, anxiety (generalized and social) and a history of depression to name a few. I love writing and have been writing different styles for as long as I can remember. Like most people who have a strong passion for writing I started writing stories and wrote in a journal in grade school. I remember specifically purchasing my first diary/journal that had a lock with my cousin when I was around 10 year-of-age. I was very excited to start writing in it as it was the first fanciest and most formal writing tool I owned. I think that was when my writing journey really began as I started to write daily. Some of my main goals for this blog is to write about autism, it's associated disorders and my life in hopes to help others. To spread awareness and educate in hopes to end some of the stigmas society has attached to things mental illness and autism. To meet like minded bloggers or be inspired by other writers. Other than that I will post or share anything that is of interest or pops into my head. As I grow older, the more I understand about myself and experience life I find myself wanting to seek a further diagnoses or a reevaluation. That is part of the reason why I am opening a new blog here and the reason for my new found blog name. So I hope you all will join me on my continued journey and new discoveries. My diagnoses are not all who I am so here are some random facts about myself. Some of my hobbies besides writing include music, The Sims 3, Xbox, Netflix, scrapbooking and the outdoors. I have a very strong passion for music. It is like my drug/medicine/obsession and you may catch me from time to time preaching it like a religion. Apologies in advance I am married to a man who is not on the spectrum, but he is as equally as amazing and I am insanely in love with him. Like my rants about my life and music you will also hear a lot about him. I was born and raised in Canada who recently seeked Permanent Residence in the USA, so I am no longer an illegal alien. Although I am still an 'alien' tbh. I say imo and tbh too much. (imo = in my opinion/tbh = to be honest) They are also probably the only two abbreviations you will catch me using as one of my many pet peeves are people who 'typ like dis' The only thing that probably makes me a stereotypical Canadian is my obsession with hockey. I am a very organized person. However, it is normally with things that don't really matter in life such as my files on my computer that are organized in folders, within folders... I often can be perceived as rude at first until you get to know me. I have a huge imagination. Some of my favorite animals are dogs, cats, monkeys, penguins and elephants. I prefer animals to humans tbh. Basically I am another complexed human being like everyone else trying to find her way through life and I welcome you all to my newly found blog. This description is subject to change at anytime as my blog grows, I add more facts about myself or for whatever reason I feel fit. ~ My Authentic Mind

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