Hello all my wonderful readers and followers! I hope everyone is having a great week thus far. 🙂
I am going to attempt a quick blog post, but will be another quick life-updatey post.
My mind is still a bit scrambled and all over the place. Some days it is harder to find motivation than others, but the weird thing is I have been spending a lot of time with my husband with no aggravation or need for alone time. It’s weird and hard to explain. I have been spending a lot of time with the hubby on his days off, and when I do get time for myself I either have been binge watching Heartland, a movie or playing the sims 3 obsessively. My moods have been quite stable, but I still can’t bring myself to process things right, write about how I feel/doing etc or other things. So I am still socializing quite successfully, but I think when I am alone I become too exhausted for anything else. I thought it was autistic shut down, depression or some other awful notion I go through, but it isn’t because when those things happen the first thing normally to go or fail is my social abilities or I need to be alone more often than not. Those things are not happening, so frankly I have no idea what has been going on with me lately.
It’s frustrating, but I need to snap the eff out of it. I really want to get back to writing more as it is good for me, usually my number one self therapeutic strategy I turn to and the most important reason why I need to get back to processing and functioning properly is because I finally heard back about that job I got. (Part time inventory coordinator at a nearby grocery store for those who missed my past update posts) My orientation is tomorrow at 9 am until 11:30 ish am(although I have to go in for 8:30 am to fill out hiring paperwork etc most of which I will ask to take home anyways as with immigration is a pain to understand, I want a second opinion aka my husband’s before I fill everything out) so I may end up waiting from 8:30 for my orientation to begin anyways. Either way it’s great news and they pay you for the whole process at least. It only took 3 weeks for my background check to clear…Oh the struggles of being an legal alien. xD It even took me calling them, and when I called them the other day for the second time it sounded like they wanted to drag their feet even more. “Your background check cleared yesterday actually and I was going to call you, but I wanted to see if another employee we just hired background check would clear so I can set up an orientation and she could do their orientation with you as well” Um hello?! It has been almost a month since my interview and I got hired, the federal government was faster doing my background check and you want me to wait longer? No I can’t wait any fucking longer as my hubby and I are a bit financially stressed. I was a lot calmer than this with the lady of course, but my desperation must have worked as she told me she understood went ahead and booked my orientation for Friday anyways. Sometimes you have to put the pressure on to get what you want. I am really hung up and worried for some stupid reason about what to wear to the orientation. The dress code is wear whatever you want, but I am sure they won’t appreciate if I show up in my pajamas, so I need to find something. It is not that I am so much worried cause the dress code is wear whatever you please, I just realized how much of my clothes are still back in Canada and how much lack of clothes I have with me. This is what happens when you make plans last minute or plan to visit and end up moving away from home without going home again. I only have one suitable comfortable but dressy sweater shirt thing, but I wore it to the interview so that would look kinda silly. The other clothes I have either seem way too casual (like lay around the house casual) or I don’t like the way they fit etc. Oh well, I will figure it out even if I have to go in jeans and a tshirt. So yes, great news and I am actually kind of excited to get back to work as much as I have enjoyed my time off. (8 + months.) I just hope I can at least get some motivation back in my life and maybe this can help me get this back. The hubby and I are honestly so fed up with being broke mofos, that I don’t even care if this job makes me an anxious or stressed out wreck again no more excuses. I think I would feel a lot better if I went to work evryday and was able to come home to my own apartment or house and satisfied I am helping paying the bills. Independence is a good thing and I won’t have to answer to anyone but my lovable husband. You can only make excuses for so long. I think we both finally realize where we need to be and have achieved the biggest step to achieve our goals which was to be legal in the same country so we can both work. At this point I will work at McDonalds if it means complete independence.
Our car that we bought last summer (used and very cheap – our own hard work or money we put into it) is taking a shit and getting worse by the week we now have the stress of car shopping. Which really sucks and all the more reason I needed to start my job asap even if it just $200 extra a week. So been stressing about that. Oh well, least it still drives from A to B for now, even if it sounds like it is about to blow up. I also realized last night how much I stress weeks later on stupid shit or times I fail socially. So the other week I had to call my old work about tax stuff from last year, and the lady I spoke with who I knew quite well when I worked last year ask how I was doing, had heard I got married and congratulated me etc. I gave her the quick update and said thank you for the congrats, but not once on the phone did I ask how she was or how it was going at work as we use to always bitch about the stupidity of the place together on smoke breaks etc. I know it’s silly, and she probably didn’t even care or see it as rude, I have been really hung up on it. Like how selfish can one be? Not to ask how the other person is doing when you haven’t seen them in a year…Like wtf is that?! Like to me it seems kinda rude. I know I hate when people go off in a tangent about their life and don’t ask me about mine. Even though I didn’t mean to, I was curious and I do normally ask how people are doing (especially if they take an interest in my life) I just have a really hard time socializing even with the little things, especially over the phone. So even though this happened like a couple weeks back I am still thinking about it and when I do it makes me feel really bad. It really bothered me lying in bed last night and then I am like wtf is wrong with me? Why am I thinking about this still two weeks later?! I do this shit all the time and I don’t know why. I will like go back and replay the incident over and over again in my head, how I could have done it differently or I should have said this yada yada yada and then it like consumes me and I feel really bad or guilty. I wish I didn’t sweat the small stuff, especially when I didn’t do it on purpose, it wasn’t my fault or things that don’t even really matter, but I do every time. It’s one thing to let it bother you after all is said or done for the rest of that day or the day after, but why do I stay hung up on it for weeks? I don’t know, but I have always been that way for as long as I can remember. It sucks, because I don’t think it is good for me or my health.
Anyways I just wanted to do an unedited quick life update post. Not much new in my life, but I at least wanted to share the good news about my job. 🙂
Wake up to a cloudy day
Dark rolls in and it starts to rain
Staring out to the cage-like walls
Time goes by and the shadows crawl
Crushin’ candy crushin’ pills
Got no job, mom pays my bills
Textin’ ex’s get my fill
Sweatin’ bullets, Netflix-chills
World’s out there singin’ the blues
Twenty more dead on the evening news
Think to myself “really, what’s the use?”
I’m just like you, I was born to lose